Anyone can Listen
by Zerbinetta
Summary: What happens when our very own Mary Sue is given a chance to join the Dark Brotherhood by a very edgy and deadly yet somehow ruggedly handsome Speaker? Can she do it? Can Lucien remain in-character and sane? Can he stop Mary before she romances him? Hm.
1. It’s a bird! It’s a plane! No, it’s…

Random randomness, this; I didn't intend to write it. I may not even continue it. But I wanted to do parody for quite some time and I don't think anyone has done this yet. So, here I am, with my own (heh) take on the ever-popular Dark Brotherhood storyline, complete with Lucien romance. There are _great_ stories out there with that plotline, but those are like pearls in the muck – you have to search for them. The Dark Brotherhood: A Listener's Tale and Forged in Darkness: A Dark Brotherhood Tale have been my two great inspirations and encouragements – give them a read, if you can. All in all, the Sue has infested most DB stories, so here I present her to you, stripped of all her masks, in her sickeningly perfect glory.

Anything Oblivion is not mine – it belongs to Bethesda, naturally. Including Lucien, though I guess every fangirl would want to own him. Heh. Mary Sue belongs to the fanfiction community on and off the net. Cookies for those who guesses who Mr. Fuzzems belongs to. Willy Wonka belongs to Roald Dahl.

Cheese for everyone!

**o.O.o**

**It's a bird! It's a plane! No, it's…**

**o.O.o**

As she floated along the roads of Cyrodiil, her windswept hair landed gracefully around her shoulders to an ecstatic chorus of "Alleluia" – sung by the canon inhabitants of Morrowind, all blissfully happy about the fact that she had decided to move on from their province and go torture herself some Imperials. They deserved it, in any case. And perhaps they would be more effective in dealing with the uber-powerful force on two perfectly shaped legs of porcelain that was heading their way.

´Twas Isabellanast'aasia-arwenäeowynßgaladriel??gosh'this'name'is'so'very'descriptive!edh'wen-ing-quen-iel, the Blue Thunder of the Starry Skies and Puffy Clouds, Scourge of the Puppy-Kickers and Part-Time Head Cheerleader of Some Distant High School. For the sake of not compromising her mission and easy travel, she went by her childhood name of Mare Su, which translated as Perfect Perfection from the Ancient And Nifty-Sounding Tongue of the Forgotten Invading Authors, adjusting it to a more Cyrodiilic-sounding Mary Sue. She had her experience with people being unable to cope with the magnificence of her name and start going red in the face after three syllables.

Or it could just be the fact that no one could say it five times fast and earn the right to be her Number One Fan.

Half-elven (of all three kinds – don't ask how), half-vamp_y_re, half-pixie and half-Barbie (pink hairbrush included), she was the long-abandoned daughter of Uriel Septim, who had frantically told his servants to _get rid of the little beast_ when she was but a child. However, out of sadistic glee or simple lunacy, wild wolves had found her and brought her to servants of Sheogorath, who raised and nurtured her until she was ready for the world. Now, after so long, she was ready to be reunited with her family.

Her name was well-chosen, for Mary was the very image of beauty. Her hair, softer than silk, cobwebs and more luscious than cotton candy, was a long mane of fluorescent colors, changing shades according to her whim. Currently, it was chocolate, with gentle rippling curls and a few whirlpools around the edges, shimmering like only really cheap jewelry could get away with. She never needed money on her journey, because she could always sell some of her chocolate hair to the local candy factory. It always grew back – plus, she could choose the flavor – and tasted better than the very best chocolate in the world. She was a regular supplier of Willy Wonka, after all.

That is a story for another time, though.

Her face was perfect in every single way; porcelain skin begging to be shattered, shining orbs of greenish grayish blue with iridescent twinkles instead of normal eyes and rosy plump lips begging to be kissed. Not that she'd let anyone do so, of course. She had standards.

Mary was famous throughout Tamriel already; her power was obvious. She could defy gravity without problems; any other woman of her slim build would have likely been prematurely hunched if she had her cup size. She could travel through time; her clothing was finely picked – Channel and Versace from top to bottom, of course. And it was short. I mean, really, really short. It looked absolutely _exquisite_ on Mary, whereas any other person wearing such a getup would have looked like a whore, a maniac… or both.

Somewhere on the Shivering Isles, Haskill was trying frantically to convince his master that opening a portal to Nirn wasn't a good idea right now.

Mary was lonely, though. Her only companion was her pet bunny, Mr. Fuzzems, who was nearly as flawlessly cute as she, but not quite as hot. Unless you were into bunnies.

Eww!

Ahem, in any case, Mary had had the premonition that Cyrodiil needed her; nay, that the _Emperor _needed her. Of course he did, being her dad and all that, but he needed her more than anyone. And so she was making her way there.

How good of her! Awww!

I can't hear you! AAAWWWWW!!

But on the way, she encountered her jealous second cousin once removed, Gary Stu. Gary had always been jealous of the way she could pull off a sparkly tiara in any outfit and he couldn't. And so, Gary made a fundamental mistake… he insulted Mr. Fuzzems!

LE GASP!

And Gary laughed in a very cliché 50ies-villain-like manner.

Mary was a gentle woman. She knew that violence was obsolete – her charm was disarming enough – but this time, Gary had crossed the line. Besides, being a relative, she couldn't simply seduce him. Damn. _No one_ insults Mr. Fuzzems and gets away with it without apologizing!

Calling upon the ancient power of _JUSTICE_, Mary whacked Gary on the head with a club that randomly appeared in her hand; her true weapon was an object of unspeakable horror known as the Makeover Kit. No one faced with its terrible power survived the sight of themselves in the mirror after its dark arcane attack was unleashed. Unfortunately, her power being too great, Gary was struck dead before she even hit him. Great X-es in his eyes, life fled from him quicker than an ice cream would melt in hell. Mary gasped, astonished but still stunning.

"Oh, woe is me!" she wailed – scratch that, make that sang an elegy of mourning. "I know not my own strength! Poor Gary, woe is me! Woe! WOE!"

To pay homage to her fallen friend and relative, Mary used her magical powers to bury him, right then and there. Or rather, dispose of him. As the greatest mage of the world, she had no problems with any school of spells and so, Gary's body managed with a faint pop before he was resurrected as one of the zombies in Resident Evil. Why Mary didn't choose to resurrect him in Tamriel was to remain a mystery; she claimed she couldn't bear to see the anger in his eyes.

Mary cried herself to sleep that night, but her eyes weren't red in the least. Pearl-like tears dripped softly down her soft cheeks, to be found by some lucky thief some days later and sold to the local jewelry store. Her queen-sized bedroom appeared in front of her in the middle of the wilderness, complete with a bubble bath and spa, but she didn't have the heart to enjoy herself right now. Not even with Mr. Quackers, her rubber ducky.

The mythical powers of Su protected her throughout the night, scaring off any possible bandits without fault. Those unfortunates struck by them are now welcome guests at the Shivering Isles.

The only person who wasn't repelled by the mystical shockingly-pink aura was the single person the Great Plot willed to come closer. Considering the fact that he was without a doubt the deadliest of them all isn't the author's concern. After all, hotness is the defining factor of the universe and all the grass under his feet was scorched away when he walked.

So there.

But Mary wasn't so easily snuck upon. She lay there like an angelic vision, a sleeping princess or a sedated lunatic, her glorious silvery hair spread around her soft shoulders, skimpy lingerie in place and not an ounce of fat under her luminous pale skin. She sensed the intruder through the Morse, an equivalent of the Star Wars Force in general terms. She wasn't about to have her Sleeping Beauty moment with a complete stranger, oh no.

In any case, Mr. Fuzzems growled threateningly at the newcomer, who stopped in his tracks for a moment.

Now, it would be an understatement to say that Lucien Lachance was unused to surprises. In his line of work, one saw a lot of oddities – Night Mother rituals alone weren't for those of faint hearts and weak stomachs. He had worked his way to a bureaucratic position through hard and efficient work, so any kind of physical mutilation of a victim wasn't enough to faze him. Blood splattering on his robes was only a minor annoyance – and that was _after_ he was done with his job; usually, it was very gratifying.

But the very nature of the sight in front of him enforced his suspicion that Ungolim was sending him on these recruitment missions on purpose. Couldn't Arquen get the weirdoes for once? She was the one who feasted on people's entrails, after all; she would get along with them.

Somewhere, the Night Mother had to be laughing at all this. But she had sent word that this one was a competent assassin; though why, Lucien couldn't really guess.

When Mary's sparkling auburn eyes opened, it was like the sunrise, and for a moment, the Speaker was blinded. Then, gracefully as a butterfly on LSD, Mary Sue raised herself from the bed with pink sheets she had been resting on, just enough to make her ample cleavage noticeable.

She gave a gasp of surprise, but it was only minor, as she tried to cover herself to very little effect. The sheets seemed nailed to the bed.

Lucien's left eye twitched a bit when his quarry valiantly attempted to hide underneath what little of the covers she could lift. This was going to be a long night. Might as well get it over with quickly and then go ask that this one be given to a different sanctuary.

"You sleep rather soundly for a murderess." he began, calming himself once she stopped tossing around. "That's good. You'll need a clear conscience for what I'm about to propose."

"What are you saying?!" Mary's bell-like voice thundered with righteous indignation. "I am no murderess! I-I simply wanted Gary to apologize! Mr. Fuzzems has feelings, you know! He's so very fragile! And besides, he was there, he can say so! Right, Mr. Fuzzems?"

The little white bunny chewing on the bed sheets made no sign of having heard her.

"See?" Mary beamed at her pet. So clever! She then took a better look at her visitor. The night was completely black and his face was all but invisible under his dark hood, but Mary was easily able to cast a permanent Night Eye spell on herself without speaking or moving. That being said, she saw as clearly as if she had pointed a flashlight into Lucien's face.

Assuming she knew what a flashlight was. Moving on…

It was only now that she realized that her visitor wasn't only _male_ – the voice was a give-away, but who knows? Could have been a female orc – but _extremely_ good looking in that _ruggedly handsome_ way _every_ girl loved. His thick dark hair was simply calling out to her fingers (she managed to call them back, luckily) and his physique was _killer_.

Mwahaha.

"My name is Lucien Lachance." And his name contained such symbolism – why, almost as much as hers! Ye gods, this was a sign from above! "I am a Speaker for the Dark Brotherhood. And you, you are a killer. A taker of life. A harvester of souls."

"No!" Mary cried dramatically, tossing herself around in agony. "No! No! NO! I am Mary Sue, goodie-2-shoes incarnate! I'm not a puppy kicker! I'm not!"

The hooded Speaker gritted his teeth only a fraction more than necessary. He was half-inclined to agree with her at this point. "Your work, your deathcraft, pleases the Night Mother. And so, I come to you with an offer. An opportunity to join our rather…unique family."

Damn that Ungolim. This _had_ to be one of his annoying pranks. Fetching Bosmer. He _always_ made it a point to remind all the Speakers who was in charge by sending them on these ridiculous tasks, but right now, he had really outdone himself.

Mary was struck by the sudden nature of this marriage proposal. She had received her fair share of them, no doubt, but this one was the easiest by far. Her instincts were wary of this man, this _killer _(LE GASP) but somehow, she felt drawn to him. It was as if destiny – or the juvenile author – wanted them to be together. And the _symbolism_… it was a sign! He could yet be redeemed!

Perhaps there was yet hope; the woman was silent at last, but she seemed rather like a crossing between a raccoon and an owl. Plus, she seemed to be on the verge on drooling and not like a bloodhound would. Lucien really wanted to call it a night and get back to the regular business of delegating tasks. Perhaps office work wasn't as dull as he had thought – at least he didn't have to meet all the lunatics escaped from Sheogorath.

"So, I have your rapt attention. Splendid." He chose to speak quickly and get things over with. "Now listen closely. On the Green Road to the North of Bravil lies the Inn of Ill Omen. There you will find a man named Rufio. He is an old man, his body frail, and he sleeps his days away. You could kill him before he woke, if you so chose. In whatever way you choose, kill him, and your initiation into the Dark Brotherhood will be complete. Do this, and the next time you sleep in a location I deem secure, I will reveal myself once more, bearing the love of your new family."

Mary almost gasped, but she maintained her magnificent control over herself. Love! He said _love_! She had read the signs correctly! No innuendo – not even the non-existent one! – would go unnoticed by her. she controlled the impulse to drag her new soul mate into her bed at once – she had morals, of course – until she could prove her love and devotion.

Besides, old people were just so… _old_. They didn't belong in the storyline; end of story. Oh, well. There goes her non-killing creed.

And so, from that point on, Mary decided that if the only way to be completely devoted to her darling was to be a sexy, leather-wearing, whip-wielding dominatrix in stratospherically high heels, she could do it. Until she could redeem her beloved and make him a pacifist with affiliations to Greenpeace, she would do it. After all, she was an incredible actress and not opposed to… variety.

Seeing that, Lucien _really_ didn't think it was a good idea to give a person like that bladed weapons, but he was known for his precision and expertise, and so couldn't ignore the tradition. "Please accept this token from the Dark Brotherhood. It is a virgin blade, and thirsts for blood. May it serve you well, as does your silence." he said, handing her the Blade of Woe.

WOE.

It was a sign! Virgin! The analogy! The innuendo! He was so very manly, respecting her innocence with this symbolism. This was almost like an engagement ring, save for the dagger-thingy, but it was a step in the right direction! She had known that when he spoke, his eyes were filled with hidden passion for her, not pride in his work or plain assassin scariness!

Akatosh's toenails; it really _was_ love!

Their hands touched for a moment, mainly because Mary used the moment to grab his before Lucien could vanish, now having completed his task. He supposed he ought to note that he would be pleased to see her again, but somehow, he didn't think that was a good idea.

"Of course, Lulu." Mary purred in a very sexy-yet-not-slutty manner. In a flash, her lingerie was no longer silken satin velvet but black leather, rather like Xena wears but ten thousand times tighter, better and more revealing. Think of it as really tight, really small black bikini. "I _live_ to _obey_ your _every_ wish…"

Using the few seconds when the normally calm and collected Speaker was completely stunned, Mary magic_k_ed all the furniture away and transformed Mr. Fuzzems into his true form… a sparkly flying rainbow unicorn! She had already slain the lawyers of the My Little Pony franchise, after all, so there was no problem with it. Then, quickly hopping on her ride with utter grace, she waved at her darling killer before riding off into the setting sun (wait… wasn't it night just now?).

"Ta!" she chirped before vanishing in a cloud of fairy dust.

Of course she didn't kiss him! It was just the first date after all!

Five minutes later, a frozen Lucien Lachance was still standing there, though once in a while, a vein on his forehead pulsed. His hearing was very good and assuming it wasn't somehow damaged right now – which was almost impossible… his hand twitched towards one of his hidden daggers, but it was too late, Mary was gone. It was no use. And the Night Mother would be highly displeased if he botched his job. Demotion wasn't on his to-do list today. Pulling his hood further over his face, the Speaker relaxed once he managed to convince himself that there was absolutely no guarantee that the woman would survive this if he helped things a bit…

Accidents happen, after all.

But before that, he was going to have a _serious_ talk with Ungolim about sugar overdose and the fact that just because he was related to a leprechaun from one side of his family didn't mean he could be funny like this.

_Ever_.


	2. I feel pretty, oh so pretty

Further chapters will not be so quickly posted, but I got inspired by the kind reviews I got! Thankies to everyone!

**o.O.o**

**I feel pretty, oh so pretty**

**o.O.o**

The Inn of Ill Omen sure knew how to get a would-be killer into the right mood. When Mary arrived there with the first rays of the sun, she had only to dismount from Mr. Fuzzems to form an accurate plan. Her ruby red (or tomato, depending on your preferences) ringlets swaying in the light breeze and flying away – as they were butterflies – as Mary summoned her Fairy Godmother through a few well-chosen arcane words and a single call from her pink Nokia.

In a flash of paparazzi cameras, Donna Karan appeared in front of Mary, dressed in an ill-fitting figure skater costume consisting of many, MANY cheap sequins. Mary explained her need for a costume that would make her look inconspicuous (though it took a few minutes of explaining to make Donna get what the word meant). The fashion designer took notes on her absolutely stylish leather bikini before waving around a large, sparkly wand with a star-shaped tip and voila!

Mary was wearing a dress that looked like one of the Arwen dresses from the initial costume designs in the Lord of the Rings movie crossed with a Disney Princess outfit, only now real, heavily sequined and all pink and sparkly. At first, Mary was horrified that the color didn't match her crimson hair, but Donna pointed out that her mane had changed into a sun-kissed blonde that was far more golden than the purest gold, blinding anyone who looked at it for more than three seconds.

No one would suspect her like this!

Mary thanked her Fairy Godmother and, like, BFF! for being sooo nice to her while Donna vanished from Tamriel with several more paparazzi photos.

The innkeeper (whose name is absolutely irrelevant to the story) fell in love with the beautiful newcomer at first sight, but Mary knew how to deal with Nords just fine. She showed him Mr. Fuzzems, now back in his sickeningly cute bunny form, and the big, tough Nord was immediately smitten and squealed like a preteen fangirl upon the sight of such supreme sweetness. That effectively kept him occupied while Mary floated down to the private quarters. The ladder would ruin her dress! Worse, she could get a splinter! And we have already established in the previous chapter that she can defy gravity.

So nyah.

Anyway, Mary walked straight into Rufio's room, not bothering with stealth at all. Never mind that she had no bladed, blunt or magical weapon at hand - the Blade of Woe was far too special for this! Mary was a master of all kinds of combat. The door slammed behind her loudly enough to wake the dead and wake Rufio did. Mary immediately saw why the old codger needed to die – he was old. Like, really old. And he smelled funny. And his shoes didn't match his hair at all!

"Who- who are you? What do you want?" Rufio spluttered warily, almost blinded by the light of Mary's splendorous hair reflected by the thousands of sequins. He had been expecting the odd Dark Brotherhood killer might find their way here, but this girl certainly didn't look like one of them… more like an escapee from Sheogorath, actually. Which could be just as dangerous, depending on the situation.

Striking a heroic pose, Mary pointed an accusing figure at Rufio. "YOU!" she said dramatically, tossing her waist-length curtain of hair over her perfect shoulder.

"Uh… me?" Rufio asked, without a clue as to what was happening when the strange girl didn't continue. She was plain scary.

Shocked that someone would dare interrupt her, Mary forgot her line. It was a very good one, too! He would pay for this!

"In the name of good fashion sense, I, Isabellanast'aasia-arwenäeowynßgaladriel??gosh'this'name'is'so'very'descriptive!edh'wen-ing-quen-iel, shall destroy you!" she said triumphantly. Now she had a justification for this, actually! Wasn't that neat? She wouldn't gain any Infamy points for being righteous and good… right?

Rufio, baffled, caught only the first two syllables of her name. "I'm sorry, Isa-what?" he asked, not as politely as he should have.

"Isabellanast'aasia-arwenäeowynßgaladriel??gosh'this'name'is'so'very'descriptive!edh'wen-ing-quen-iel!" Mary barked out – _not perfect enough! _– eh, cried out valiantly. "You insult the names of my ancient ancestors from a different fantasy franchise by not speaking it correctly!"

The old man still wasn't getting it very much. "Why does your name have all the hyphens in it, Isa-nana-whatever?" he asked and though he didn't mean it as an insult…

Mary was highly displeased. But she resolved to be patient. It would be simply rude not to introduce herself to her victim.

"Isabellanast'aasia-arwenäeowynßgaladriel??gosh'this'name'is'so'very'descriptive!edh'wen-ing-quen-iel. I. sa.be.lla.na.st'aa.sia.-ar.wen.äeo.wyn.ß.ga.la.driel.??.gosh'.this'.name'.is'.so'.very'.descriptive.!.edh'.wen.-.ing.-.quen.-.iel." she pronounced slowly and perfectly, with diction far more flawless than Eliza Doolittle after her makeover in My Fair Lady.

But Rufio just couldn't get it right. He never placed the accents correctly. He couldn't even pronounce some of the characters when he should be grateful that there were no Asian characters of her name. It was said that Mary was originally to be named Isabella Anastasia Rosamunde Bond Girl Hikari Momoko Utsukushi Princess Peach Jen Zi Sakura Evangeline Megumi Ninja Turtle Sailor Moon Powerpuff Starlight (for the reader's convenience, Chinese and Japanese kanji have been translated into phonetical transcriptions) but the followers of Sheogorath were just too loony for such a simple name.

Plus, none of them could decide which of the Sailor Senshi was the coolest.

After a three-hour lesson in phonetics (another area of Mary's expertise), Rufio managed to get it right in one breath, but suffocated on the very last hyphen. Thus, the deed was done without Mary having to even move a muscle. In fact, she didn't even kill him at all!

Go Mary!

"Wait, oh my!" she realized, blinking her liquid purple orbs so that they wouldn't begin to leak. "I could have just introduced myself as Mary Sue!" She gave a little laugh that was like the twinkling of cow bells. "Silly me!"

But Mary didn't use her powers to resurrect Rufio; after all, he had paid for his crimes against fashion. Justice had been served. But, more importantly, it meant that she would see her darling beau again!

She couldn't wait to see his handsome face again, though she certainly wouldn't mind seeing more of him. They would have to have a talk about proper clothing once they got married; after all, those dark robes didn't reveal almost anything! And the color… black was only for those who needed to disguise their figure and she just knew that the man she fell in love with had to put Fabio to shame with his abs.

Sigh…

Anyway, there was no way she was sleeping in a room with a dead guy, so she went upstairs, checking on the innkeeper, who was still fawning over her precious pet and would do so for longer than a cat would when faced with all the world's catnip. The ancient powers of Su protecting her would also ensure that no pesky legion guards would be interfering with her plans. Things were going to be perfect this time around!

Mary then realized that she hadn't even gotten the chance to use her wonderful Blade of Woe, the gift of love from her cuddly assassin. Still a virgin; just like her, she sighed dreamily! She had misjudged darling Lucien, obviously. He respected her too much to make such advances on her after such a short time! Ever noble and gallant, that man. He was evidently misunderstood and had a heart of gold, deep down inside, where only she could see!

In accordance with his obviously gallant and considerate behavior, Mary decided that she wouldn't be aggressive this time around. Obviously, she couldn't just throw herself on the Prince Charming who put such high value to her virtue. She would save the leather bikini for once they got married – he had to like this kind of thing, with his career tastes, so she would keep it in mind. Right now, she changed into a pure white low-cut nightgown and let her stream of blue-black hair drop freely down her back, careful not to get anything wet.

Her room had been rearranged into a copy of Cinderella's Dream Fairy Palace from Toys R Us and Mary lay down on her bed, placing her latest Miss Tamriel tiara on her head as a finishing touch. And then, carefully feigning sleep, she waited…

Truthfully, Lucien didn't want to do this. He had just returned from a lengthy talk with Ungolim in Bravil, where the Listener resided in order to be close to the Night Mother statue. The Speaker couldn't claim to understand why someone in such an important function could willingly reside in a city that looked rather like the cozy village of Hackdirt on a swamp when the Imperial City was just a few hour's worth ride away – not to mention the fact that teleportation had already been invented by the Mage's Guild and getting hold of one of those nifty teleporting devices should be easy for someone in their line of work.

Which wasn't to say that they should get large mansions and show-off to the rest of the world, but… heck, they were allowed a little bit of luxury, weren't they? Not that he should talk, with Fort Farragut and all the undead guardians, he supposed, but how was he to know that his mother would kick him out and disown him once he came home proudly proclaiming that he wanted to be a killer when he grew up. Not that it had stopped him from claiming all the family´s finances and belongings after her _mysterious_ death, mind you.

In any case, Ungolim had refused to listen to him at all. To the point when the Bosmer had covered his pointed ears and sing-sang "I can't hear you, nyah nyah!" or something similar. Once the Listener got over his leprechaun nature, however, he said quite plainly that the Night Mother said that Mary Sue was to join the Dark Brotherhood and that was final. Oh, and that he'd tell the Mother if Lucien refused to do this. Which had been the end of the discussion, really.

Shadowmere grunted a bit when he nudged her somewhat harder than he intended, but forgave him when the Speaker stroke her mane upon dismantling. Having seen glimpses of the wretched woman, the mare had a good idea why Lucien looked as if he was being subjected to a badly performed version of "Daggerfall: the Musical". She sincerely hoped that for once, her rider's control over his less professional impulses would slip.

In truth, Lucien didn't even have to search for Mary. A trail of crumpled pages from rough drafts of the script of the following scene was leading all the way to her bedside. Besides, the stupid bunny was still sitting on the bar, right next to a transfixed barkeeper, who was obviously sleeping and muttering how cute the aforementioned rodent was. Mr. Fuzzems gave Lucien an unnervingly calculating stare before allowing him to pass. The Speaker made a mental note to buy some rat poison the next time he went recruiting a potential female member.

A quiet chorus of Dunmer angels (all in costumes representing the sea creatures from the Disney movie) began to sing "Kiss the girl" from My Little Mermaid the moment Lachance stepped into the room, though how they knew when to start was a mystery, because even Mary, with her Super Sue Sense tingling, was having a hard time detecting Lucien's presence. His cover was blown the moment he drew a sharp dagger covered with dried blood used specifically for the purposes of frightening people (otherwise it would be clean) and the angels stopped singing with nervous laughs and vanished into oblivion.

Oblivion, get it? Ha ha!

In any case, Mary saw that her beloved was too shy to kiss her and too gentle to take advantage of her sleeping state, so she decided to tweak the circumstances somewhat. A silver microphone magically appeared in her hand and a spotlight no one could see reflected the useless sequins of her perfect silvery nightgown. In a soaring soprano that would have made any professional musician wish they were dead, deaf or at least far away from the singer, she began to sing "Someday my Speaker will come" (note the obvious replacement of the word "prince") from Snow White. Her karaoke track in the background immediately swapped accordingly.

As this is a PG-13 fanfiction, Mary's repertoire was limited to songs from her favorite Disney movies and some light Britney Spears.

Once she hit the final note – _two_ octaves higher than written in the score! – pink confetti burst from the disco ball above her, showering them both and she gasped prettily, as if seeing Lucien for the first time. After all, she didn't want to make him feel bad about his sneaking skills by telling him she had known _all along_ that he was there. Besides, this was a spontaneous revelation of her true feelings! So just buy it, all you critics!

As for Lucien, his grip around the short sword on his belt was repeatedly tightening and relaxing. The whole room smelt like a gypsy perfumery, sparkles and sequins were everywhere and he was covered in confetti. _Pink_ confetti.

Mary had no idea just how fortunate she was to still have her head at this point.

"Lucien, darling!" she chirped like a little bird about to be swallowed by a great cat, "I didn't see you there! Oh, dear, dear, you have confetti all over you! Here, let me help!" With a graceful little jump, Mary landed right next to her love and began dusting him off gently, blushing crimson each time she even touched his robes, giving the impression of a malfunctioning traffic light or a police siren.

The robed Speaker gritted his teeth and counted to ten mentally. It was a long time since he had been forced to use this little trick, but it was useful. Ten more minutes, he recalled mentally. Ten more minutes and he could get out of here. Then, he wouldn't have to see the rainbow twit _ever_ again, because Vicente and Ocheeva would be stuck with her. he actually pitied them, but it would be good anger management training for his other "children", he supposed. He was personally giving Mary two days before one of the newer sanctuary members would snap and kill her.

He still didn't get just _how_ she had managed to kill Rufio.

"So, the deed is done." he noted, forcing himself to look the beaming girl into her sparkling azure eyes. "How do I know this? You will find that the Dark Brotherhood knows a great many things. For you are now part of the family."

Mary finally gasped and bounced a bit. "Oh, thank you, thank you! I'm sure I'll love all of them! What do you think I should wear when I go meet your parents, darling?" she cooed happily.

Lucien had absolutely no idea what the woman was thinking, but the corners of his lips twitched briefly. "Nothing would please me more to send you to them right now, Isabellanast'aasia-"

"Please, Lucien, call me Mary!" the ginger-haired beauty said graciously, like the Queen of queens of queens of queens of ALL queens in the WHOLE universe. "And wait till you meet my dad, Uriel Septim! He's _so_ the coolest! I've never actually met him, but I know he is – because he's _my _dad!"

"Mary, then." Lucien pronounced the name almost as if being force-fed poison by his deceased parents, but the tiara-wearing teen only continued to beam. Now it became obvious why the woman had been able to kill Rufio: she was obviously insane. Mary only thought about how sensual his accent was. "But I am bound by the Five Tenets, unfortunately, as are you."

"Oh, that's okay!" Mary said cheerfully. She didn't know her darling was so chivalrous to have an actual knight's code of honor! It was another thing that made him so wonderful! "I'll have more time to pick the perfect outfit, then.

"Indeed." Lucien agreed darkly, calmly imagining her head on a spike, a warning for all fanfiction writers out there. Mary immediately misinterpreted the content and slightly hungry look in his eyes as barely suppressed passion. She had that effect on people. In any case, the Speaker wanted to get things quickly over with. Some final instructions and then he would finally be free of the wretch. "Now, heed these words. The slaying of Rufio was the signing of a covenant. The manner of execution, your signature. Rufio's blood, the ink. As a Speaker for the Black Hand, I directly oversee a particular group of family members. You will join that group, and fulfill any contracts given. You must now go to the city of Cheydinhal, to the abandoned house near the eastern wall. Enter the basement, and attempt to open the black door. You will be asked a question. Answer thusly: 'Sanguine, my Brother'. You will gain entrance to the Sanctuary. Once inside, speak with Ocheeva. You are now one with the Dark Brotherhood. Visit Ocheeva, and your new life will begin."

How poetically he spoke! Once they were married, he could write a book about their love and out-class Danielle Steel in terms of bestsellers! That would secure their future together.

"Oh, I already knew that, darling." Mary said sweetly, honey dripping from each word.

Lachance stepped back a bit to avoid all the saccharine liquid, looking amused and doubtful. "You did?" he asked, the sarcasm lost on Mary.

"Yeah, like, totally! You see, I know everything that goes on in Tamriel! At least, everything the plot requires me to know." the beauty smiled shamefully, her pearly teeth reflecting the light from the disco ball. "I´m not perfect, unfortunately. But I know all about the history of the Dark Brotherhood and how to get to the Sanctuary! I just didn't know the password. It used to be 'Luke, I am your Father!' back when I was a member five hundred years ago." she clarified.

"Didn't you say that the current Emperor was your father, despite you being, ah, part-elven?" Lucien phrased carefully, curious despite himself. He knew he shouldn't be asking, but there was a chance that her brain would go into overload from the conflicting information.

"Yes, I did!" Mary beamed, feeling bliss over the fact that her beloved had remembered those things she said about herself. Of course, she just knew he loved her because of who she was, not because of her spectacular heritage. "But I died back then, facing off against the entire Morag Tong! It was an unfair fight – they had Pokémon backing them up – so my spirit couldn't find rest and I slept for centuries, only to be revived by Azura herself and placed into a sequel by being reborn as my current incarnation!"

One dark eyebrow rose on Lucien's face. Well, this was certainly a new one. Better not make any sudden movements. There was a servant of Sheogorath on the loose. "How fascinating." he said dryly. Ten minutes were up. "I'm afraid that we must now take our leave of each other, you and I, for there is much work to be done. I'll be following your…progress. Welcome to the family."

If the confetti had been horrible, then being hugged by a squeeing Mary was downright hellish.

"I'll miss you, Lulu! Take care of yourself!" And with that, Mary teleported herself off to the location where the next chapter would take place, taking Mr. Fuzzems with her, narrowly avoiding the fireball Lucien shot at her a second too late. The Cinderella décor vanished with her.

His face slightly ashen by now and eyes narrowed in a manner that would leave any sane person whimpering for their mommy, Lucien Lachance found the nearest desk, whipping out a piece of parchment and locating a quill and an ink bottle. The time had come for drastic measures.

_Ocheeva,_

_Regarding the new recruit, I give you full permission to give her the most difficult jobs you find. I assure you, she is more than capable of handling them without _any_ prior preparation or information gathering. You will understand when you meet her, I_'_m certain. Send Gogron to welcome her properly. I insist. On a side note, pass word on to Vicente that I give him full permission to deal with her in accordance with his preferences. As always, my love goes to you and all the Family._

_LL_


	3. We are FAMILY!

This chapter is unfortunately Lucien-less, but he will be making a swift return within the next two! Expect Vicente in the next one! Your reviews make my day, people, so I will give you the teensy hope that Mary might find her match in battle: I am currently fleshing out an OC to be the Anti-Sue of the story… or, if I like her well enough, she will get her own story eventually.

**o.O.o**

**We-are-family! I got all my sistas with me!**

**o.O.o**

Having been pre-informed about the arrival of a new sister, Ocheeva was determined to give a good and welcoming first impression. She knew only too well that newcomers were usually quite intimidated by this sudden change in their life, so she hoped to make it pleasant and friendly, especially since Sisters were somewhat rarer among the Brotherhood nowadays. But they usually lasted longer than Brothers, she was proud to say.

Besides, Lucien was known for having a good eye for recruits, despite the recent whispers of murder amongst their own guild. Hopefully, a new recruit would erase the suspicions that their own sanctuary was somehow being targeted. Moments before Mary arrived, the Argonian was reading Lucien's latest letter. She frowned a bit; the previous correspondence hadn't been exactly informative about the nature of this new recruit, mentioning only that she was a mer with an easily memorized voice and long hair. Ocheeva assumed that it meant that she was unremarkable physically, which could be a great plus for her; the harder an assassin was to spot, the better for them. And even when the Speaker dropped in once in a while, he had been very vague, hinting that she would know her when she saw her.

She had been occupying a chair next to her brother's favorite seat when the Sanctuary door opened and light footsteps were heard. Obviously, it was the new girl, the Argonian thought, and rose to her feet to go greet her. It seemed that her walk was light and subtle, which could be another good thing for her…

"HELLO-O? SPECIAL DELIVERY FOR THE DARK BROTHERHOOD! IS ANYBODY HOME? HELLO-O?"

…that is, until she took a deep breath and allowed her voice to echo loudly throughout the underground Sanctuary.

Ocheeva stopped in her tracks and blinked once, twice and then again, just to be certain that her eyes haven't failed her entirely. What waltzed through the Sanctuary door didn't resemble her mental image of the new recruit.

She had been expecting a modestly-dressed middle-class Altmer mage or a light armor-wearing Bosmer woman with a bow swung over her shoulder. Lucien would have certainly specified if she were a Dunmer and made sure that they were prepared for that. Instead, a girl that seemed to be sixteen in human years and acted just her age. She was dressed in the frilliest pink monstrosity of a dress that made her look like a very large birthday cake with excessive icing. She had no visible weapon on her, save for the little white bunny that was absent-mindedly chewing on one of her overly puffy sleeves, baring positively lethally-sharp-looking teeth.

And perhaps the overly decorated tiara that sat atop her fluffed platinum blonde hair. Somewhere in the Land of Oz, Glinda the Good was calling up her loyal lawyers and trying to sue Mary Sue for stealing her look. Useless, really.

Then, the terrifying amount of war-paint on her face that made her look like a cross between a raccoon and a pop diva moved into an expression of surprise and the girl yelped with surprise and joy, naturally remaining as heroic as it was required from a perfect protagonist such as her.

"Ohmigod, Barney!" she gasped out excitedly, looking at Ocheeva with wide storm-grey eyes. Elsewhere, the weather announcer was saying that it would be very stormy in her eyes for the next few days. Currently, they were gray, but not boring ordinary grey, but metallic grey like sharp steel, showing the keen intellect behind them… or, at least, a keen fashion sense and knowledge of children's programs in the alternative reality that is Earth.

Ocheeva raised her eyebrows slightly. She was used to various reactions, but certainly not this. Argonians were a fairly common race here, near the eastern borders of Cyrodiil. "I beg your pardon?" she asked, forgetting her well-rehearsed welcoming speech and warm smile.

Mary approached with clicking sounds of her sparkly shoes stolen from Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz and the sounds of the frantic typing of the author, trying to make a decent description of the moment. Somehow, Mary didn't even look like tripping over the hem of her longish long dress. Moreover, she looked like the embodiment of a graceful blonde… cake.

"Poor Barney, what have they done to you!" she said tenderly, her warm eyes swimming in tears to cool off somewhat. A few more minutes and they would have resembled fried eggs, which was hardly attractive. Mary sighed dramatically, maternal feelings of compassion taking over. "I'm against giving spray paint to kids – this is what happens when parents aren't attentive. I should know… I'm practically an orphan myself. Raised by the creatures of the wild…"

"You must be the one Lucien told me about." Ocheeva rudely interrupted before Mary could start retelling all of her gloriously extraordinary back-story. She was beginning to understand what Lucien had meant by the last letter. She couldn't imagine why such a creature had been picked as a member of the Brotherhood. Was she capable of anything other than making ridiculous small talk? "Isabellaanastasia, is it?"

"Just call me Mary Sue, please. Mary to you, dear." the lovely cake-girl twinkled, putting any star to shame. She winked friendlily, trying to encourage Barney not to be so sad. Then, she remembered… that Barney was a boy! And this… eh, person… sounded more like a girl. And she had come to introduce her… what was it that Lulukins had said? "Ooh, I remember now, you're that person my dear Lucien told me to see!" Mary corrected herself, not even bothering to apologize, knowing that she would be forgiven immediately anyway. "Morcheeba, right?"

The Argonian flinched. Compared to this walking blonde cake, one would think her name was easy to remember. "Ocheeva." she said curtly.

"Right, right! Just so you know, it's such a cool name!" Mary beamed at the assassin, not even bothering to remember the correction. She remembered only the names she created when it came to women. "Sounds Latino, which is very in these days, you know! Totally hip. I'm sure we'll be best friends…"

"Yes, well, let me welcome you to the Dark Brotherhood." Ocheeva continued, viewing them becoming friends as very doubtful. If she wasn't in a position of leadership, she would have stopped trying to make a good impression by now. Judging by her way of ignoring stealth, this little girl was bound to get caught or killed on her first mission. Still, the Argonian enjoyed welcoming Sisters home; she didn't have a chance to say that too often nowadays. "It is always a pleasure to welcome another Dark Sister into our ranks. Truly, the Night Mother smiles upon her trusted daughters!"

Mary stopped beaming for a moment, giving the slightest grimace that didn't ruin her make-up at all and looked utterly charming on her, scrunched-up face and all. "Yeah, about that, I think the name is pretty sexist. I mean, what sort of name is "the Dark Brotherhood"? It's kinda creepy, not to mention totally sexist! Besides, it makes us sound like some loony psycho death cult." she laughed, sounding like a chorus of off-key crying angels.

"I… see, Mary. It seems Lucien was correct about everything he said and wrote about you." Ocheeva worded carefully. She understood now; this loon had somehow accidentally killed someone and the Listener's famed sense of humor was on the loose again. Oh, joy.

At the mention of Lucien's name, Mary immediately brightened up like a thousand Christmas lights. "Ooh, he spoke about me!" She made a noise that scientists usually identified as a "squee"; a high-pitched, girlish wail that managed to shatter anything too weak within a large radius. "What did he say? Tell me, tell me everything! He didn't think I looked fat in that in that white nightgown, did he?" Mary was suddenly a bit worried about that – it wasn't her best outfit! She needed to ask him later! "I know white makes people look fat, but I can't help if it looks sweet and virginally perfect on me!"

"Well, I assure you, you will not be having that problem much longer." Ocheeva privately thought that the gift would be utterly wasted on this brainless twit, but it was customary to offer enchanted armor to a new member to enforce a feeling of kinship. The armor would magically shrink or enlarge itself for the person; everyone, save for Gogron, wore it when sent out on a mission involving invisibility and complete stealth. "As a new member, please accept this gift from your new family. A unique set of armor, lighter than normal leather and black as the Void."

The armor was beautiful in addition to its practical nature. It was symbolic and a true relic of the Brotherhood. Everyone kept theirs, even if they didn't use it very often. It showed that they were truly part of the Family.

Mary took hers and unwrapped it and gave it her most critical CosmoGirl eye. It was figure-revealing, though it didn't have any kind of neckline. And it was black. _All _black. Well, the rest she could handle, but the color would need fixing. But she knew better than to complain, especially when Ocheeva was being so nice to her despite her horrible spray paint incident.

"Thankies! This will be great for super spying missions! How did you…" She gasped when she equipped her armor with a flash of Su power. It fit her perfectly and actually _accented_ her curves… though it could be simply because it was designed for a person with a normal body, not ridiculously oversized breasts. "Lulu knows my measurements already?" It was the only possible explanation! At least, in her mind… "Isn't he incredible? He's really got a good eye, but then again, he picked me, didn't he?"

Ocheeva decided it would be better not to reply to that. Maybe this was some sort of assassination assignment, luring the target into a false sense of security and then mutilating her completely.

At that exact moment, the tall figure of their resident axe-wielding orc appeared from the corridor leading to the training rooms. Ocheeva was actually glad to see that Gogron was dressed in full heavy armor and had that ridiculously oversized axe of his. Unfortunately, it seemed that Mary Sue was simply too perfect to be intimidated by the sight of a jolly orc with an enormous weapon that could cleave her in two.

"Yes, indeed. Ah, Gogron! Please come here for a moment." The orc spotted them and came, axe seemingly ready. Ocheeva was ready to give her full approval for a hug this time. "This is Mary Sue, our newest Dark Sister!"

Mary smiled and waved. Gogron gave a toothy grin of his own, dropping his axe momentarily.

"Welcome, welcome! I'm Gogron gro-Bolmog, very nice to meet you, Mary!" But unfortunately, as he was about to hug her welcome and likely crush her ribcage, Mr. Fuzzems chose to find out whether the shoulderpiece of the shrouded armor Mary was wearing was as tasty as her dress and crawled up onto her shoulder, thoroughly displeased that he had been forgotten for most of the scene. Gogron, unfortunately sharing the voice actor with the Nord barkeeper from the inn in the second chapter, shared the same weakness for little bunnies. "Golly he's cute! What's his name?" the formerly well-written character cooed at the bunny.

"He's Mr. Fuzzems, my Pet Sidekick!" Mary said happily, glad that someone shared her opinions. Gogron, bless him, was too green and too… pig-like in appearance to be her type, so he rather looked like the Wicked Witch of Oz played by Miss Piggy from Sesame Street, but he certainly seemed to have the right idea about what was cute and thus important in life. "Say hello, Mr. Fuzzems!" The bunny glanced up, apparently a bit frightened by a big orc at close proximity, like any rational person should be and hid behind her shrouded hood. "See! I think he likes you!"

"Ooh, could I pet him? Can I?" Gogron begged, but fortunately didn't jump up and down like a five-year-old, which would have surely made the sanctuary collapse.

"Sure! Here, why don't you keep him for now while I go meet everyone else, huh?" Mary said graciously, ignoring the frantic shivering of her pet bunny. He was just excited about making a new friend!

"Gee, Mary, thanks!" Gogron smiled, grabbing the bunny to play with it. Ocheeva looked mildly alarmed, remembering how Telaendril used to laugh about his previous bunny, but death would likely be like heaven for the little creature, as it would be freed of its owner. "You're the best!"

"Tee-hee, I know!" Mary noted, posing like an anime schoolgirl and winking graciously. "Nice to meet you!"

She was about to flounce off to attack the rest of the sanctuary before Ocheeva stepped into her way. "Wait, Mary, wait! Now I understand what Lucien meant when he told me that you were… capable!" Ocheeva said quickly, searching for the correct word to describe her. "Yes, capable!"

"He said that?" Mary went ooh once more, giving a wonderful impression of a blushing bride or a tomato about to burst. "That's so sweet of him!"

That ranked very high in the Top Ten Words One Should Never Use To Describe Lucien Lachance, Ocheeva thought, feeling sweat on her temple. "Yes, well, Lucien told me to give you a mission straight away, but as a new initiate, you must go see Vicente Valtieri. He handles all assignments for new family members."

"Sure, that's like an initiation ritual to the Society of Perfect Hair, right?" Mary said in a mysteriously wise manner, as if a light bulb had appeared right above her head without looking anything less than perfect. As if it belonged there, really, if only to drop and fall on her head, hopefully making her less obnoxious. Unfortunately, it always vanished into Oblivion before it could complete its Sacred Crusade. "I mean, you might be accepted, but before they let you debate about the particular brands of shampoo, you have to prove your worth to them."

Ocheeva didn't even bother trying to understand that. "Er… yes. Yes, quite like that."

Mary, with her all-seeing eyes, saw right through that pretended indifference. Clearly, the topic of hair was unnerving to the lizard lady, having no hair of her own. She would look very silly with it anyway, but that wasn't the point. Mary felt bad for her! "Aww, don't worry, honey. You don't need hair, you have nice… horns… well anyway, you look good! Don't worry about that!" she said kindly, flashing a smile that was well-suited for a toothpaste commercial. "So, where will I find this Vicente?"

"Looking for Vicente? He should be still doing paperwork." a pleasant female voice noted and a tall Bosmer woman with a bow and arrows on her back appeared, giving Mary a curt smile. "You must be the new recruit. My name is Telaendril, nice to meet you."

"Mary Sue, hiya." The heroin(e) noted, twiddling her fingers as to say hello. She then critically examined the other elf, coming to the conclusion that she wasn't in any danger of being threatened in terms of looks. She eyed the hairstyle of the archer, clicking her teeth somewhat. "Speaking of hair, you should wear yours down, Teli, you have funny ears. Not very attractive, big-ears." she noted conspiratively, patting Telaendril's shoulder friendlily.

The Bosmer seemed to find that amusing, though her nickname less so. "Aren't you a mer yourself, Mary?" she asked logically, pointing out the obvious to someone blissfully aware of it.

"Oh, sure I am, but only part-elven! My Barbie genes made my ears completely human-sized and perfect, only slightly pointed. It brings out my eyes, you see." Mary noted, showing off her Lord of the Rings-esque ears, perfect as the rest of her, looking rather like they were made of wax or foam. Either way, they were perfectly unnatural or unnaturally perfect, the author couldn't decide. "Besides, I have Mr. Fuzzems for cute ears."

"I see. Is that armor you're wearing…?" Mary's armor had strangely managed to change color from jet black to neon pink. Ocheeva almost jumped. That was… well, obviously, this _thing_ possessed some strange powers.

"The color was a bit too drab for my tastes. This looks better, no? I can dye yours, too, if you like!" Then they could be like sisters, Mary thought happily! Well, she would be the beautiful and perfect one, but sisters nonetheless!

The Bosmer took a step back, just in case. "Eh, I think I'll pass…"

"Suit yourself." Mary shrugged prettily. "Well, where should I go, then?"

"His room is just down the hall. No need to knock. Oh, and bring garlic if you pass the kitchens." Ocheeva added, knowing full well the implications of that "He _loves_ it."

"Okay!" Mary smiled, glad that she found such helpful friends and could make someone else happy. "Take care of Mr. Fuzzems for me, okay Go-go?" she told Gogron, waved to the women and flounced off in the general direction of the resident vampire's room.

"Say, Ocheeva… isn't it a bit too early for Vicente?" Gogron asked, looking up from the terrified and battle-ready Mr. Fuzzems momentarily. "I mean, he usually sleeps or does paperwork until sundown… and you saw how he reacted when Antoinetta made garlic soup last time…"

"Precisely, Gogron." Ocheeva said wisely. "Precisely."

Telaendril shook her head, as if she couldn't believe her eyes. "Has Lucien gone out of his mind? I know the Hand has been putting pressure on him recently, but this…" She waved to the spot where Mary had stood.

"I know, Telaendril. But Lucien's letter suggested that Gogron greet her without restraint, which I was about to allow. He knows what that would mean… I rather think this is the doing of the Hand. He looked particularly on edge when he last came to give me instructions." Ocheeva suggested, frowning when she thought about it.

The archer sighed. Hopefully, they would get this cleared up quickly. "I do hope Vicente will understand the situation. I know he hates sending new recruits to their deaths… but in this case, I think it only prudent."

"Yes, that is the correct word. I will try to file an official complaint Lucien will be able to present to the Black Hand. This has to be a mix-up. That… that _thing_ couldn't be one of the Night Mother's chosen…" Ocheeva said, though there was a hint of voicing this as a hope, not a fact.

The Bosmer looked unconvinced. "What if she is?"

Ocheeva shuddered. "If it were so, then the rumored murderer within the Brotherhood might be just a misunderstood soul. However, I think I remember a lovely Daedric shrine on the way to Leyawiin where we could send her by Cyrodiil Express Mail…"


	4. To Marry or not to Mary

Lucien returns! And he actually gets a lead on how to deal with Mary! Plus, a mysterious new character appears, giving advice from what seems to be a parallel dimension! Three guesses who it is… And yes, the typo in the title is deliberate.

**o.O.o**

**To Marry or not to Mary**

**o.O.o**

Mary was thrilled.

Not only had her darling Lucien spoken so well of her, but things were going exactly as she wished. She was a bit surprised that he had talking lizards in his family, but a seasoned adolescent adventurer such as herself had seen many stranger things while traveling through the realm of fanfic- I mean, Tamriel. Yes, Tamriel.

Luckily, the talking lizard lady – Oh-cheetah, what a funny name! – was very nice, as was Go-go; anyone who knew how to appreciate Mr. Fuzzems was a good guy in her book. The bunny approved of him, too, she was sure. Teli (she forgot her entire name immediately) seemed nice enough, but could really use a makeover. She was pretty enough but not anywhere close enough to be considered a rival for Mary. Moreover, she was just a secondary character.

In any case, she had a good feeling about all this. As she saw it, the more she impressed Lucien, the quicker she would see him again and once he saw the true extent of her abilities, he would most certainly want to marry her at once! There were subtle signs, of course, but Mary knew better than to press. And she wanted him to see that she was okay with his strange family; they would be leaving this drab underground Batcave once they got married anyway. With her endless wisdom, she understood that Lucien was likely trying to show her that he didn't have a lot of money to support her and didn't consider himself worthy of her affections.

And he was likely anxious to see if she accepted him along with his strange family. Well, that was no problem for Mary; she could deal with monthly correspondence and annual visits. Besides, other than looking funny and wearing really emo clothes, they seemed nice enough. Just not the sort of people you would want to be seen in public with.

Just to be certain that she had met everyone, she strolled around the Sanctuary a bit before heading for the resident vampire's rooms. Unfortunately, not everyone was currently present; Teinaava was on a mission and would hopefully be warned by Ocheeva before something could happen and M'raaj Dar was out buying potion ingredients. Once Mary found her new private room that had appeared out of the depths of the time and space continuum right next to the quarters of everyone else and put her stuff there, preparing a small toyhouse for Mr. Fuzzems to live with along with a few stuffed bunnies to keep him company, she was almost bumped into by another girl.

The moment Antoinetta Marie saw Mary, her mind was warped by the Great Plot and she changed from a perky and only slightly annoying but also endearing girl into a complete BEEP, because she is a total BEEP BEEP with her BEEP BEEP and BEEP SHEEP because of her obvious gratitude to Lucien. And so, the mind of a slutty, stuck-up cheerleader took over her consciousness.

"Oh, sorry!" Mary twinkled, just like the star in the song. "I'm so clumsy. My name is Mary Sue, I'm the new girl!"

That triggered the inevitable doom from the new Antoinetta Marie.

"YOU! Ugly!" The ultimate insult came out of her frog-like mouth. "Stay the BEEP away from MY Lucien, got it?! You BEEP BEEP SHEEP CREEP BEEP LEAP poo-face! And you stink!" she added after a moment of thinking, just to properly show her total hatred for Mary, which burned with the passion of a thousand suns. Plus, she couldn't stand having someone share her name in a better, more modern fashion.

Without even waiting for an answer, she stalked off, her head held high, and thus she couldn't see where she was going and promptly crashed into the wall. Then, massaging her broken nosed-ugliness, Anti-omelet, as she might be called, huffed and puffed but didn't blow the little piggies' house down; instead, she vanished with the distinct pathos of the current antagonist of the story.

Mary was appalled. Not only did that _person_ (because she was too nice to insult the BEEP HEAP CHEAP… hey, cheap actually fits. Ahem) seem to share some of her powers and know about her and Lucien without any actual reason for it, but she had dared call her ugly! She was such a… such a not-nice girl!

But Mary sympathized with her. She was short, after all. Now she had ample reason to suspect that Antoinetta was actually a man in drag, since only men could have the angry small man complex. She resolved to set her – _him_ – up with some nice geeky guy that would bring out the good in her, so that she and Lucien could have their happy ending.

In the meantime, she was off to see this Vicente guy. With a name this exotic, he had to be interesting. All the interesting characters had names from different languages – Mary, with her superior intelligence, knew that Lucien's name was French and this one was Italian. One had to be in awe of her omnipotence when she knew languages from a different reality.

Unfortunately for all the other characters, she forgot to pass the kitchens and fetch the garlic on her way to Vicente, which she realized all too late.

"Oh, no!" she gasped prettily. She would have to remember to make it up to him later on! She knocked carefully, a rueful expression on her face, and after hearing a charming male voice say that she could come in, she opened the door with some hesitation.

As far as vampires went, Vicente Valtieri was likely the most impressive one you were to ever meet. Not because of sheer power, but because of his carefully refined manners and general gentlemanly behavior. Unlike the usual vampire, he had rules, standards and a good fashion sense to boot. In short, many qualities that, along with his efficient and organized nature obtained through centuries of experience, made him without a doubt the most successful assassin of the Sanctuary.

Mary gave another dramatic gasp upon seeing him. Not because of his obvious undead nature or the giant stack of finished paperwork on his desk or because of the almost unnatural organization of everything on his desk and, upon a closer look, of his entire room as well. Oh, no. Mary gasped for a different, much more serious reason.

Because he was hot!

Perhaps the powers of Su allowed Mary to see people without the effects of advanced stages of vampirism, which rendered even the most attractive person haggard and gaunt. Perhaps she saw once more into his _heart_ (or pointedly ignored his profession).

In any case, this was a grave problem for Mary. She was used to having men fight over her, but for her to feel her heart fluttering so quickly as if she had drank six cups of coffee with way too much sugar upon seeing a man other than her One True Love was… different.

Frightening. Exciting.

Vicente only raised an eyebrow upon seeing the new Sister's peculiar shade of armor. He had thought he had seen it all, but this… this was certainly new. But she, as all new members, seemed unnerved by his vampiric nature – at least he supposed that was why she was staring with eyes wide as saucers. Though with such taste in color, no one could be certain…

"H-hi. I'm Mary Sue." the girl said in a wonderfully melodic squeaky voice. Her make-up gave her the appearance of a rainbow panda. Which could mean…

Dear Sithis, not another dagger-happy fool, the Executioner thought with a sigh. Nevertheless, he wasn't one of those who judged a book by its cover.

"Warmest greetings to you. I trust you've already spoken with Ocheeva? I am Vicente Valtieri. I provide assignments for all new family members. Please do not let my appearance…unnerve you." Vicente noted mildly, used to such reactions of shock and surprise. If it weren't for the gut instinct to be on his toes around someone who wore this much pink, he would have returned his attention to the rest of his paperwork. "The needs and tenets of the Dark Brotherhood come before my own needs as a vampire."

Mary was hypnotized by his accent. The Plot seemed to be urging her in a direction she wasn't certain her heart could follow. In vain, she tried to remember the image of Lucien, but somehow, the damned hooded robe he always wore made it difficult.

Because in the vision of a romantic and kind-hearted girl such as her, Vicente Valtieri looked rather like Gary Oldman in Coppola's Dracula movie simply because he happened to be a vampire. In short, someone to be drooled over shamelessly – figuratively speaking, of course. A drooling girl wasn't attractive, she reminded herself, but still…

Vampire. Rawr.

"Now if you're ready to get to work, I can provide you with your first contract."

Vicente's supposition that she might be one of the slightly unhinged ones was rising when the girl – Mary – began giving him a look that was either eagerly bloodthirsty or very, very unstable. He decided to take that as a yes. Lucien had sent word that he could deal with her in any way he saw fit, then so be it. He made it his business to see to it that new recruits were properly selected. Her first mission would be a test of stealth and skill, both of which she seemed to lack.

Of course, he was half a mind to change that and send her on a made-up assignment that would result in her death when she replied "Yes, Vlad, love." to everything he said, giving him that somewhat insane unblinking stare and obviously barely listening to what he said. One of the crazy ones, then.

When Mary practically floated out of the room like a skooma addict that had just gotten the fix of their dreams, Vicente gave the unsorted assignments a brief look. The more difficult ones requiring stealth and discretion and involving a sizable bonus were saved for the most experienced members, such as Ocheeva and himself, but he saw no harm in reassigning one or two of the mass-slaughter assignments that normally went to Gogron to Mary in the unlikely case that she survived.

They had to develop a better recruitment method than allowing a part-leprechaun to decide who they were to recruit "because the Night Mother said so, your mom!"

Really.

_Mary_**Sue**_Mary_**Sue**_Mary_**Sue**_Mary_**Sue**_Mary_**Sue**_Mary_**Sue**_Mary_**Sue**_Mary_**Sue**_Mary_**Sue**_Mary_**Sue**_Mary_**Sue**_Mary_**Sue**_Mary_**Sue**_Mary_**Sue**

**_Elsewhere…_**

_(Or Fort Farragut, to be exact)_

Lucien Lachance was pacing around what was considered his office at Fort Farragut. The place itself was dark and gloomy, the most light coming out of a magic portal that had been opened in the middle of it, serving as a communication mirror between there and what seemed to be a mage's laboratory. Apart from that, the image included a young woman in her twenties, dressed in plain blue robes, messing around with various ingredients. She wasn't bad-looking, but certainly not worth the amount of description Mary was. Her face was pale, with a hint of freckles here and there and no make up; her apparently ash-blonde hair was pulled back in a messy bun.

And she seemed to be genuinely sorry, not that Lucien believed a word of that.

"What do you mean that you can't come?" the Speaker, now devoid of his usual hood and calm patience, demanded. The mage was getting on his nerves with her evasiveness. "You were supposed come and help me! You know that!"

"Look, I know this might upset you, but I got a better contract." the mage noted apologetically. She considered Lucien a friend, if one stretched that word a mile, but she couldn't ignore the opportunity to get more septims. She had a bad potion-wasting habit to maintain. Plus, ingredients weren't cheap nowadays. "You know that whenever _she_ enters the picture, everyone gets a secondary role and that affects the paycheck."

"You can't do this to me!" Lucien almost snarled at the magical communication. She could and obviously dared, but at least she had the decency to flinch and look uncomfortable, as if a dagger was at her throat. "Do you have any idea what this… creature is going to do to the Brotherhood?!" he demanded angrily.

Unfortunately for him, knowledge was something the mage had, so he was out of luck in that. "I researched her, so yes, I do. I wouldn't be able to help you anyway, Lucien."

"Give me one reason why I should believe that." the Imperial challenged, looking her straight in the eyes. Unlike Mary, this girl wasn't able to maintain eye-contact with an angered professional killer for more than a few seconds. Her voice was somewhat breathy when she spoke, but to her credit, it didn't shake. Much.

"For one thing, I cannot effectively fight a creature driven by the Great Plot." she explained, pointedly looking at the journal she had on her desk. "For another, if I were to enter at this point, I could upset the balance even more than it is. There cannot be anyone with a better back-story than Mary Sue and I'm afraid I fall into that category according to this." The mage leaned over to another stack of books to her right and produced a sheet of parchment with the headline _The Mary Sue Limitus Test_ written in sparkly ink.

"Those are excuses and not reasons." Lucien said, ignoring the name of his nemesis written on that parchment and the medium to low score that the mage had apparently earned. He knew by now that Mary Sue was what could be considered the ultimate evil – that Sithis himself was about as cuddly as that bunny of hers compared to the threat she presented.

"Partly." the mage admitted sheepishly, giving a shaky smile. She disliked it when Lucien gave her this look. He usually saved it for people he intended to kill and she hoped she was off the list by now. "But the first is true. I might not be perfect like her, but as a well-balanced character, I have some traits that could be considered Sueish if you take a magnifying glass and scan my little black heart. "

"Don't ask me to beg you." Lucien warned in a dark voice, but he wondered just how long that would take. After what she had told him about Mary Sue and her exploits – and her powers of turning the most hatred-filled anti-social bishonen (an ancient word in the Su language for "love interest") into a warm and out-of-character nice-guy looking for a little cottage, a perfect Stepford Wife and a fondness for picking out china and pets – he knew he had cause to be alarmed. "I will be that desperate only if you tell me that you really mean that you can't help."

"I can help, Lucien." the mage corrected, still looking hopeful. She had almost no skill in keeping her emotions off her face and her enthusiasm was visible when she took another volume and flicked through the pages. "In a way."

"How can you help without coming here to stop her?" the Speaker asked doubtfully. She was a mage of competence, yes, but compared to what she had said about Mary… well, it seemed that nothing short of all the Daedra of Oblivion would be able to stop her. That was an idea. "Can you send some of your Daedra to kill her?"

"No, they would become soft and wussy if I tried." the mage noted with a dismissive gesture until she finally found her page. "There is another who might be able to help."

"Who? If they're in Cyrodiil – anywhere in Tamriel – I'll find them and _persuade_ them."

The mage clicked her tongue but didn't comment on that. She knew Lucien well enough to understand that he _would_ make good on that threat. "That won't be necessary. She will help you."

"She? You're making me edgy now." And what an achievement that was, especially for the little mage who tended to flinch whenever Dark Brotherhood business was discussed.

"Her name is forgotten, but the creature you seek is known as the Anti Sue." the mage explained, showing him the page in the book titled _Fanfiction 101_. A strange title; there were pictures there, but this entry had none. "They are very rare nowadays." The mage closed the dusty tome and put it away, smiling somewhat at having more good news for the Speaker. "Fortunately, I tracked one down in the Cadlew Chapel, where she was seen last. You should look in the vicinity."

Lucien nodded curtly. He knew that consulting her was a good idea. Bless her little black heart; she always helped when the Brotherhood needed resources accessible only to the Mage's Guild or, at times, only the Original Characters. If this worked, he would have to show her his appreciation somehow. "What does this thing look like?"

"I can't say. She's sentient, but definitely not an elf. My guess? An orc blessed with the powers of the Anti Sue." the mage theorized, "I hear they are passed down from master to apprentice."

"That should be enough for a solid trail. If this Anti Sue exists, I will find her." Lucien vowed, intent on setting out right away. The sooner Mary would be dealt with, the better. For his own sake. "Judging by the way you speak of her, I think she and _Mary_ will be quite the match."

"I should warn you that the two might collide and wipe each other from existence if they…"

"Good." Lucien interjected firmly.

It earned him an indulgent but genuine smile from the young mage, rather like a patient school teacher trying to discipline a rogue student. "Lucien…"

"In the meantime, you should try and use that famed magic of yours to try and get me out of here somehow." Lachance noted, preparing his riding boots and some rudimentary traveling necessities. "Just as a precaution, in case I don't find this Anti Sue."

"That goes against the Great Plot…" Catching his eye, the mage sighed slightly. Refusing was not an option. "But I'll try. I'll send a Dremora to contact you if I find anything you might be able to use."

"My thanks, dearest Cousin." Lachance noted as a farewell, using the age-old nickname for her. "Walk always."

And at last, the mage gave a slightly cheeky smile. "No offense, but I prefer riding."


	5. My Sue Will Go On

I had fun writing this chapter! I hope not too many people are disappointed with how I handled the individual assassinations; I like it better this way, though. If anyone is interested about the portal girl from chapter before this, go ahead and read my newest fanfic, _White and Black_. It features the DB, but it takes a new spin on that – no Silencer, no Bellamont (though they might come into the story later).

Everyone enjoy and gimme some birthday gift reviews!

**o.O.o**

**My Sue Will Go On**

**o.O.o**

When Mary returned to the Sanctuary, there was a general sigh of disappointment. From everyone but Gogron, actually – he didn't count, because he was still too awed by Mr. Fuzzems to make any kind of intelligent response. Rest assured that had he been capable of coherent thought, he would have likely given some form of reaction.

Moving on.

This fanfic was deemed incapable of writing down a precise account on how greatly Mary dealt with her missions. For further reference and a step-by-step analysis, please visit any bad bookstore near you and search for the autobiography "I'm perfect, Sue me!" by the famous Emperor's daughter herself.

In our shortened version of the first four assassinations Mary had managed to complete, we will strive to describe things as accurately as possible.

Through her telepathic powers, Mary was able to foresee exactly which four people Vicente would be asking her to assassinate, including the faked assassination of Francois Montierre. Then, realizing the severity of her mission, she decided to deal with all of them in one fell swoop, so that she could spend more time pondering her newfound feelings for Vicente Valtieri, which were far more interesting than some killing and hacking and slashing people.

Still, for continuity's sake, we must at least mention her brave and courageous deeds. And those of Mr. Fuzzems, of course; the brave bunny accompanied Mary on her tasks at all times, hardened by his time with Gogron.

On her first quest, Mary decided that this was a test of her superior intellect. Thus she stopped at the nearest Dolce & Gabbana to place a special order. Through her time-hastening abilities, Mary was able to have her costume prepared for her within five minutes.

By the time she arrived at the Imperial City, she was cunningly disguised as Elizabeth Swann from the Pirates of the Caribbean movie; she liked the outfit from the third one best, though she was somewhat hesitant about announcing herself as the Pirate King of Tamriel. It was a bluff, unfortunately; Mary had not yet had time to become Pirate King of Tamriel. She had done so in the franchise from which she stole the outfit, of course, but that was a different matter entirely.

Mr. Fuzzems was a bit of a problem, but a moment later, he was back on his usual spot on Mary's shoulder, disguised as her pet parrot.

To be original and completely cool, Mary introduced herself as Bloody Mary to the pirates. Naturally, the pirates all believed her and, in awe of her mahogany-colored hair, immediately offered to bring her to the captain. Tussaud, in turn, was immediately smitten with her and conveniently set everyone away to pick flowers for their wedding. Mary hesitated then, compassion taking hold of her. She couldn't kill a person in love! It was her fault for being so gorgeous! But death was better than heartbreak, she supposed, but still…

While she angsted over the difficult decision, Mr. Fuzzems got bored of being ignored and bit Tussaud's ankle. How he got there, no one knows, nor is it clear why the captain wasn't wearing shoes or boots at that moment. Nevertheless, it turned out that he was conveniently allergic to the little bunny's saliva. Which meant instant death, of course, because allergies weren't pretty and then Mary would be obliged to save him for bringing this misfortune upon him.

To Mary, it looked as if he had died of a mysterious heart attack. His heart had burst with love, she realized with tears in her eyes. Such a wonderful display of affection! She practically swooned, accidentally falling of the Marie Elena's balcony and into the water below. Like a mermaid, Mary burst from the water, her long wet locks glittering in the sunlight, catching the eye of everyone within a five hundred mile radius.

The water was magical, apparently, as Mary was now dressed in a tiny pink bikini that went perfectly with her strawberry blonde hair. She decided to kill two birds with one stone (literally, though only partly, as she was fundamentally against hurting animals – which was why she wanted Lucien to join Greenpeace upon their marriage) and went straight to the Imperial Prison.

But she was so clumsy! Her stealth broke horribly when she bumped right into the escaping emperor and his guards.

Da da dun!

Emperor Uriel Septim had a heart attack upon seeing his long-lost daughter return to him (or perhaps it was just the sight of all that cleavage at his age, poor thing), making all the Mythic Dawn agents angry when he died before they had a chance to stab him. Conveniently, however, Mary knew all about her long-lost brother and told the Blades everything. She even offered to help with the Amulet of Kings, but the guards refused rather frantically. They practically threw the Amulet at another escaping prisoner who was just trying to appear inconspicuous and get the hell out of there.

In the end, Mary and the Blades worked out a "we didn't see you, you didn't see us" policy and all went on their way.

The bikini-clad Mary killed her target by performing the "bend and snap" from Legally Blonde (soooo her most favorite movie ever!) – after being locked in a cell for eleven years with no internet, that was more than enough to cause a fatal heart attack. Of course no guards arrested her, but Mary knew better than to walk around in a bikini and so she put on her shrouded armor, which was still electric pink. It blinded the guards completely when she waltzed out the front doors.

Then, she made her way to Chorrol, where she killed Francois Montiere when his mind went into overload at the complexity of the plan she presented to him, blinded Hides-His-Heart with her pink armor and allowed Mr. Fuzzems to glare at the zombies in the chapel, effectively killing them. oh, and she resurrected Montierre, of course. She couldn't botch a mission, could she now? Montierre proposed to her, of course, but Mary kindly refused, like a noble queen.

In Bruma, Mr. Fuzzems did the whole job, biting through the fastenings of the minotaur head while Mary went off to buy a good fur coat – not actual fur, of course. They made an excellent team.

On the way back to Cheydinhal, Mary turned to the more pressing matters; her love life.

Things were always complicated in this, but Mary couldn't remember a time when she had been in love with more than one man. Meaning equally in love. Lucien was her True Love, that was clear, but Vicente… there was a _connection_ between them, although they had met only once. She had made somewhat of a fool of herself at their first meeting, but now, she had something to impress him with. She had to see how he felt about her, which would hopefully help her decide.

She had no problem with having several men fall in love with her at once, but it was unheard of for her to be deeply in love with more than one.

She sighed prettily, riding her new horse Pinkie Pie she got at Ponyville. It was a talking horse, of course, but as it was listening to an ipod on the way to Cheydinhal, it didn't really have much to say. It was a fast horse, of course, because they were still on the run from the My Little Pony lawyers.

Cheydinhal was still pretty as ever, but the Sanctuary was conveniently empty. M'raaj Dar has by now been excluded from the story entirely, due to his resentful attitude towards the player character and the fact that we already have the obnoxious cheerleader persona in Antoinetta Marie. The others were covering in fear when the chestnut-haired beauty floated into the underground Sanctuary.

Conveniently, Mary met no one on the way to Vicente, who was reading a book this time in a handsomely manly fashion. Mary felt her heart pounding immediately when she spotted him, but the doubt and guilt continued to eat at her. She had to be very careful, else this might turn into a soap opera without any actual plot. And the Great Plot wouldn't like that.

"Oh, Mary. Welcome back. I trust your mission is completed?" Vicente raised his head only for a moment to check what new monstrosity the woman was wearing. Her hair was dark brown now, her eyes a gypsy-like green and her outfit something that might have once belonged to a polar bear.

She, on the other hand, was red as a beet root and about as attractive as one. "Yes, Vicente. I completed three more so I could get here quickly. I-I missed you." she said shyly, taking a step closer and filling the room with fake fur.

"How did you know who to kill?" the vampire asked, raising an eyebrow when Mary handed him a few pages from her diary with detailed accounts on the deaths. When their fingers touched for less than half a second, Mary almost hyperventilated. "Only the Night Mother knows that."

Mary considered that a compliment. "Does it really matter? I'm back here… with you…" she trailed off, allowing the fur coat to slide off her shoulders. She was wearing a skin-tight Bride of Dracula vampire Halloween costume underneath it. No fake teeth, though. Her diction had to remain flawless.

Vicente observed the getup rather dispassionately, though he was distinctly amused. If his math was correct, it would take her a few minutes to choke, because the material was obviously two sizes too small for her. "Indeed. Well, I suppose this makes you an Eliminator now. My congratulations, you have certainly performed well." he said, fully intending to continue reading and dismiss her with that.

"It means a lot to hear you say that." Mary said, lighting the dimly lit chamber up with her pearly teeth. Vicente covered his eyes, wondering if it was possible for him to sustain sun damage from that. "But I get the feeling there's more you want to tell me." she encouraged gently, making certain that it was visible that she had no bra and still had humps like THAT.

"Actually, yes." Vicente noted, remembering one last detail. Sweet Sithis, he would be free of the latex-clad lunatic. Perhaps there was actually something to the concept of heavenly mercy. "You will no longer receive your assignments from me, but from Ocheeva. She should be waiting for you already."

Unexpectedly, Mary burst into tears of joy and heartbreak at the same time, never messing up her perfect make up. "Oh, Vivi! It's such a sacrifice for us both!" she lamented, sobbing breathily. "Yet you know that if things were different, I would bind myself to you and only you!"

The vampire's eyebrows rose slowly. "Pardon?"

"I want to be what you are. See what you see - love what you love." Mary cited readily, ignoring the copyright lawyers of F.F. Coppola banging on her door. Elsewhere, Winona Rider was cheerfully committing suicide for having her lines mocked so horribly. "But you know about my love for Lucien; the Great Plot cannot be denied." Mary's tears were like pearls, no, diamonds! And a thousand times more beautiful and valuable on the black market, too. Not many things made a Sue cry.

"I… see." Vicente said slowly. He was only getting the part when she was saying that there was no chance for them. "How tragic." he said, rather dryly, feeling the exact opposite. Good riddance.

"Yes, tragic!" Mary nodded fervently. "We could have been together forever!" For a moment, it seemed that her heart was breaking, but then, she collected herself with grace and managed a smile that would have made even Megatron from Transformers cry like a baby. "But don't worry! I'm immortal too! That's why I never asked you to turn me into a vampire; I'd look bad with wrinkles anyway. Not you of course – you look great!"

"Thank you." Vicente said uncertainly, hoping that this was the end of things. He didn't like that part about her being immortal, though. He was about to offer to test it when she spoke again.

"Anyway, so when one day, inevitably, Lucien and I are parted by death, you can swoop in and comfort me in a very manly fashion!" Mary suggested brightly, her eyes glittering with love and deeply-rooted bipolar disorder. "Don't worry – it's just, what, fifty more years? Then we can be together forever, my love!" Mary whispered huskily, pressing herself against the tense vampire, innocently unaware of her well-endowed chest and the clear view of it she was giving. "But I cannot bring myself to breaking Lucien's heart! And I love him! Very very much!"

"Well… my blessings to you; my condolences to Lucien." Valtieri muttered, quite certain that she wouldn't understand the meaning of that word. He fully intended to pass some missions on to Ocheeva for her to give Mary.

"Thankies! I'll go see Mow-beaver then!" Vicente assumed she meant Ocheeva, but decided it wasn't worth asking. "Don't worry, I'll come visit!"

And then, her jet-black hair with purple highlights twirling behind her in slow-motion, Mary shed a single tear and turned on her heel to leave her beloved for the time being. Vicente picked the crystallized tear up and decided to see if it could be used in a poison or a voodoo ritual.

_Mary_**Sue**_Mary_**Sue**_Mary_**Sue**_Mary_**Sue**_Mary_**Sue**_Mary_**Sue**_Mary_**Sue**_Mary_**Sue**_Mary_**Sue**_Mary_**Sue**_Mary_**Sue**_Mary_**Sue**_Mary_**Sue**_Mary_**Sue**

Cadlew Chapel was a horror of dead Necromancers and their experiments. Or it had been, the signs outside kept warning. Otherwise, it was as much of a church as any other, save for the large sign spread above the door.

It read: "The Anti Sue Office" in flashing red letters.

Lucien entered it without expecting anything, though he had a few wild ideas about what he might find there. He didn't bother with casual clothing on this journey; after all, it was better that these people knew who they were dealing with. Then they might be serious about the job.

When he entered, he saw that the interior of the building had been completely rearranged. The basis of a chapel still remained there, but the altar was gone, replaced by an ordinary desk and chair. A messy stack of files was nearby and the entire office seemed to be quite active. Upon a closer look, however, the Speaker discovered that there was only one person there.

A Khajiit. A _male _Khajiit dressed in rather haggard grey robes, glasses on his desk, playing an anniversary version of Elder Scrolls: Arena on his outdated computer. He didn't even spot Lachance before the Imperial stood before his desk, upon which he jumped slightly, then sulked and turned off his game.

"You are here because of Mary Sue, yes?" the Khajiit asked when he looked up. He didn't appear fazed by the dark robes, the visible dagger or the cold look in Lucien's eyes. Not even essential characters displayed such courage and daring at the best of times.

"How did you guess?" the Speaker asked, his deep voice laced with sarcasm that went unnoticed by the receptionist.

The Khajiit shrugged in a mysteriously wise and wisely mysterious manner. "M'aiq knows much, tells some. M'aiq knows many things others do not."

Lachance decided not to comment on that. He wasn't certain what he had been expecting, but it certainly wasn't this. "I was told that I might find the Anti Sue here." he explained curtly, looking around. The office was decorated with concept art from the previous Elder Scrolls games, along with a few artifacts from all of them. The largest poster was that of what seemed to be a wereshark and a dragon playing poker. It was obviously the favorite one. "Her… services are required by the Black Hand."

"Backhand Mary Sue is a good idea." the Khajiit agreed, rummaging through the drawers of his desk, looking for his bottle of ink. He found it and triumphantly put it back where it belonged. "M'aiq will write it down for future reference."

"Is the Anti Sue here?" Lucien asked impatiently. At least he was at the right place, it seemed. But there were no Orcs around; actually, M'aiq was the only person present. Nothing indicated that anyone else visited too often. "I have a job for her."

"Name?" M'aiq asked, scribbling things into a form.

Normally, Lucien wouldn't be this keen to give out his name to someone who wasn't a member of the Brotherhood, but these were desperate times;desperate measures were called for. Besides, he assumed that Mary would likely tell all of Tamriel the moment she had a chance. "Lucien Lachance."

The Khajiit cringed slightly and looked up at Lachance with a very sympathetic glance. It was unnerving. "Ooh, M'aiq feels sorry for you. Whenever M'aiq searches for new Sues in this franchise, your name pops up." he noted, somewhat less cheerfully than before.

The hooded Speaker raised an eyebrow, hiding the wave of fear that passed through him well. "Indeed?" One Sue was enough, but… there were more of those… _things_?!

"Oh, yes." the Khajiit nodded seriously. Sues were quite common in the realm of fanfiction and M'aiq was an avid reader of good parodies. However, at times, he just couldn't avoid the Sue plague. "M'aiq would think that human females would prefer men that lack a history in homicide." He shook his head, observing Lachance. Quite plainly, he didn't see what was so attractive about the Imperial, but then again, he wasn't human or female. "Sick, sick people."

"You can help, then?" Lachance asked, refusing to take the seat he was offered.

"The Anti Sue needs information. Sign these papers. M'aiq will deal with the rest."

Lachance did so, reading the terms and conditions only briefly. It seemed that this was serious business after all. "What exactly are we talking about?"

"M'aiq is a secretary of the Anti Sue." the Khajiit explained, "M'aiq must follow unnecessary regulations before the Anti Sue can be summoned to this realm. Observe Mary Sue. Track her. Write down the horrors she commits to scare off young fanfiction writers." The fur on his neck stood up as he shuddered. "Scary things."

"Do whatever you need." Lachance said firmly. He was prepared to ally with anyone – meaning _anyone_ – if it rid him of the horrors the Sue could inflict upon him. "I was told that only the Anti Sue can help, as Mary cannot be destroyed directly."

"M'aiq doesn't know how to destroy Mary Sue. Mary is an ancient creature, older than dragons, M'aiq thinks. The Anti Sue can drive her back to the Seas of Bad Fanfiction, but it will be difficult." M'aiq noted, going to a nearby drawer and taking out a suitcase with the insignia of a sparkly anime schoolgirl with a black bar over her eyes in the targeting scope of a gun and two words written in slanted but clear handwriting in blood red ink.

Somehow, it brought Lachance some small comfort to read the words "Sue Busters" on the equipment suitcase. "How difficult?"

"A Colovian Fur Helmet is easier to find than driving Mary Sue back, M'aiq thinks. It will require documentation. Detective work! And a fishy stick, if you have one." M'aiq added, glancing at the Speaker hopefully.

Lachance's eyes narrowed. He didn't have time for nonsense. "I don't."

"Neither does M'aiq. Such a shame." the Khajiit said, sighing rather sadly.

"Tell me about the Anti Sue." Lucien requested upon seeing that M'aiq was getting ready to leave. They were walking out of the chapel by the time the Khajiit started talking.

"M'aiq has little knowledge of the Anti Sue. Contacting her requires a ritual that is almost forgotten." M'aiq confessed. "But first, detective work."

"Is it too much to ask to summon her now?" Time was wasting, after all.

"The Great Plot cannot be denied. M'aiq must determine the weakness of Mary Sue before the Anti Sue can be summoned."

Lucien could practically hear the "Alleluia" chorus of the imaginary Dunmer angels from the second chapter soaring down from the skies and dancing the tango around his head. "She has a weakness?"

"Mary Sue must always have a weakness. People sympathize with her that way. M'aiq knows that." the Khajiit explained, giving Lachance a bulletin titled _Who is Mary Sue and why must she die?_

The Speaker accepted it with glee, surprised at how fast M'aiq could run even as he mounted Shadowmere, who was waiting for him. "Very well, then. Come with me; I will summon her to perform a task. There hasn't been enough carnage here for some time." he said, sending a quick prayer to Sithis.

There was still hope.


	6. You Only Sue Twice or Mary is Forever

Another day, another chapter! The title is taken from two James Bond movies! Will Lucien succeed? Will Mary be thwarted? Is M'aiq lying about being able to summon the Anti Sue? Stay tuned to find out!

Just a side note to Jessica Malatori – I have something special planned for Mr. Fuzzems, believe me. He is a crucial character second only to Mary. So no worries.

**o.O.o**

**You Only Sue Twice or Mary is Forever**

**o.O.o**

Ocheeva simply didn't believe how bad their luck was. The _impostor_ was still among them and Lucien wasn't responding to her repeated letters saying that it was highly likely that the crazed girl was the traitor they were all trying to root out. Not that it was the actual truth, as Mary had joined the Brotherhood after the actual traitor had started working, but that didn't change the fact that they had to get rid of that thing, pronto.

The bad thing was, Mary wasn't actually ruining the name of the Brotherhood; she had yet to botch a contract, got all her bonuses and somehow managed to stop Vicente from making a meal out of her. Possibly due to the fact that he was afraid her blood might be poisonous or infected, which was understandable.

Moreover, Antoinetta was acting strangely as well. Usually, she was a perky young girl, but nowadays, she seemed to have permanent PMS, which was getting really annoying. Telaendril quietly requested being sent on missions out of the Sanctuary, frustrated that Gogron was acting strangely as well whenever that damned rodent Mary carried around showed up; Schemer, the Sanctuary pet rat, was feeling underappreciated as well.

In short, things were going to hell and fast.

Thus Ocheeva resorted to desperate measures; she began sending Mary, now an Eliminator, on ridiculously difficult missions and hoping that she might get killed.

"You have to kill Faelian _outdoors_." she had emphasized during their first assignment together. "With a lot of people around."

"Sure, why not?" Mary had shrugged gracefully, her ginger hair glowing in the torchlight as if drenched in hazardous chemicals. Strangely, though, she managed to perform the task correctly – the High Elf died in a similar manner like the Emperor did, only this time truly because of too much cleavage exposure. With all the skooma in his system, he saw four times as many breasts and tried to make sure they were real. Needless to say, the entire Legion in the city rushed in to protect Mary's honor and crushed him without a second thought.

"Your bonus will be forfeit if you kill Roderick in any other way." the Argonian warned Mary as she sicked the airhead on a fortress filled with mercenaries armed to the teeth. "Therefore you should go unarmed!"

"Okay, Chichi!" Mary had beamed. She was, apparently, in the process of creating cutesy nicknames for all the Sanctuary members, which was an improvement from the horrors she invented when she didn't remember their full names.

Still, being called Chichi did nothing to improve the Argonian's mood. Gogron was still Go-Go, though he, being under Mary's black magic, hardly cared, Telaendril was Teli (fortunately, the elf cared about Mary about as much as she cared about the corpses she usually left behind) though Mary would often muse that Tawny was a better name for her. Much more hip and cool.

M'raaj Dar, effectively cut out of the story, was enjoying a holiday somewhere on Summerset Isle, thus he was effectively spared the horrors. Vicente was Vivi and the vampire cringed ever so slightly when reminded of that. Teinaava didn't have a nickname yet, simply because he had hidden away from Mary up till that point, but their encounter was inevitable in the near future.

Strangely enough, Mary called Antoinetta Tony and always tried to teach her the song "Maria" from West Side Story as a gesture of friendship. No one knew why.

In any case, Mary returned from the first mission under Ocheeva's instructions without as much as a scratch. Heck, she had actually left Mr. Fuzzems – who qualified as a weapon – back at the Sanctuary, so that was saying something.

"Do you like parties?" Ocheeva asked tiredly, hoping that this time, it would work. "You've been invited to one!"

"Ohmigod!" Mary squealed, her flaxen curls bouncing around her head and her pale violet eyes twinkling dangerously. "I LUV parties! But I'm taken, so any cuties there are a no-go." Then, she tilted her head in interest. "Say, don't you want to come, Chichi? Teli can come too, she needs the socializing! And Tony, of course – needs to get out more!"

Ocheeva cringed, but hid it very well. "No, no, no! Special party, just for you, Mary! You have to kill all the guests! But make sure you tell them you're the killer!"

Mary had, unknowingly, received attribute-damaging magical items upon completing every mission. But the powers of Su were too strong for such petty magics. The plot required Mary to survive and thrive, so she did. And so Mary had to go shopping on her own, the poor thing, because Donna Karan didn't answer her call this time. She went to the nearest mall and bought a Sparkly Fairy Princess of DOOM ball gown at a Disney Princess shop. Alas, on the way, she discovered that her boobs had grown because of her sudden plot advancement and was forced to select new and revealing lingerie, because all the usual underwear had been sold out.

Ah, the woes of Mary Sue knew no measure.

But Ocheeva was to be denied a third time – Mary triumphed and succeeded with the mission.

"This is getting ridiculous." Teinaava proclaimed when they got word that their newest Eliminator was returning home. "Send her to kill Scar Tail. She has no chance against a trained assassin who is waiting for us to make a move."

His egg-mate complied without too much hope; all that this earned them was having Mary mistake Teinaava and Scar Tail both for Barney – she cried that Scar Tail was mean when he snapped at her that she was stupid and that he knew no Barney and Mr. Fuzzems frightened him to death with an ear-piercing Nazgul-like shriek before he could even apologize.

Teinaava only earned the nickname Nana when he explained that he wasn't Barney.

"Welcome to the family. Join the club." Ocheeva grumbled when he came to complain about it.

"She is a monster." Teinaava noted. "She must be stopped."

"And how do you propose we do that?" Ocheeva countered. "She is unstoppable! And we are bound by the Tenets; we cannot slay her in her sleep! We need to get her break the Tenets if we are to deal with her."

"No, there is a better way." Teinaava said, suddenly brightening up. His face was shrewd – he was up to something. "We can deal with all of our problems in one fell swoop." he gave Ocheeva a pointed glance. "Send her after Phillida."

"Phillida? You know that not even top-ranked Executioners have succeeded in taking him down! She isn't nearly stupid enough to believe that a mere Eliminator would be given this mission!" Ocheeva snapped.

Teinaava gave a shrug. "Promote her to Assassin, then. Make her feel special about herself. And then buy some popcorn so that we may watch the show. This will be amusing – a win-win situation!"

Ocheeva finally conceded the point and went to find Mary. Unfortunately, she came at a bad time – the lovely, beautiful, breathtaking Eliminator was in the process of taking her share of verbal abuse from Antoinetta. The Breton stalked off in a huff once the Argonian entered, glancing over her shoulder dramatically at the last moment.

"So stop feeling so good about yourself, you no-talent herb-sniffing wuss!" Antoinetta snapped in a particularly stereotypical cheerleader fashion, referring not to any potion-making skills Mary might have but the fact that she had excellent taste in perfumes. "And you're fat, too!" she spat before promptly crashing into the nearest Dark Guardian because she tripped over her own feet.

Mary sighed sadly, though not angstily and glanced up at Ocheeva. "Oh, hello, Chichi." she noted in an attractively melancholic fashion and sighed. "You need something from me?"

If it were any other person, Ocheeva might have felt bad about the immense sadness in Mary's ebony eyes, but as it was Mary, she didn't think much of shaking the feeling off. "Yes, indeed. You are hereby promoted to Assassin, Mary. This is sudden, but only because we have... come to rely on your abilities." the Argonian invented wildly. "I have a most important contract. One that has been sanctioned by the Black Hand itself."

"Ooh." Mary cooed, making Dee-Dee from Dexter's Laboratory sound like a rocked scientist in comparison, watching Ocheeva with a protuberant gaze.

"Do you recall the name Adamus Phillida?" Mary shook her head, still eying Ocheeva like a chameleon would, sans any blinking. "The Imperial Legion pest?" Ocheeva sighed. _Everyone_ knew Phillida and Mary always seemed to know her target.. "In any case, it's time he joined Sithis in the Void."

"Aw, come on, Chichi. Someone with such a girly name couldn't be a real threat." Mary said, perking up a bit. "I mean, Phillida? Sounds girly. And dirty. Hey!" she suddenly smiled. "I bet he'd be a great match for Tony!" Mary exclaimed, remembering her plan to set Antoinetta up with some nice guy. Score for her intelligence!

"Adamus Phillida has spent his entire career investigating the Dark Brotherhood, interrupting our contracts, killing our family members!" Ocheeva explained wearily. "We've tried to eliminate him, of course, but failed on three separate occasions."

"But think of the possibilities of the new ship!" Mary exclaimed, unwilling to accept the contract. She wanted Tony to be happy and out of the way in regards to their love triangle. "They sound perfect for each other."

The Argonian sighed inwardly. She hadn't thought of this possibility, but she had an idea of how to convince Mary. Never mind that it was against the rules to refuse an assignment, that wouldn't work. There was only one thing to do to convince Mary.

"And he's a puppy-kicker." Ocheeva noted darkly, as if this was the crime of the century.

Predictably, Mary's perfectly manicured hand moved to cover her coral mouth, somehow not smearing her sticky lip gloss across her face. "No!" she gasped out, shocked and appalled.

"I'm afraid so."

Mary stood up with heroic resolution. "This threat to fuzzy and cute creatures must be eliminated!" she proclaimed, pointing an accusing finger at Ocheeva. She then vanished in a cloud of pink sparkly dust, much to the dismay of Gogron, who had been traumatizing Mr. Fuzzems. The bunny vanished with her, of course.

"I wouldn't get my hopes up." Vicente noted when he saw the rest of the Sanctuary members huddled in a corner and crossing their fingers for Mary's demise. He showed them a voodoo Barbie doll of Mary he had made. The multitude of needles in it made it look like a mutated metal hedgehog. "I have tried everything within the possibilities I have been given."

"Sweet Sithis, let this succeed!" Teinaava prayed, "I cannot believe I am actually hoping that the Legion will succeed."

"You should have sent me to shoot her in case it doesn't work, Ocheeva." Telaendril noted glumly, sharpening her arrows.

"We are agreed that we break the Tenets just this once if she returns." Ocheeva noted soothingly. Actually, all of them were armed as if they were going to face all the Daedra of Oblivion in one fell swoop.

"I, like, totally knew you guys liked me more!" Antoinetta said in a preppy accent that made everyone back away from her.

"Can I keep Mr. Fuzzems, then?" Gogron asked innocently, his entire mind consumed with the vision of the bunny. No one deemed it worthy of answering.

This was how Blanche, otherwise known as the Portal Girl from chapter four, found them. Now, as an unwilling associate of the Dark Brotherhood and its business, she had seen some odd things over the years, but nothing as disturbing as this. She hadn't expected it was this bad.

"Cousin!" Gogron noticed her first, possibly because of the white robes she was wearing. They were reminiscent of the color of Mr. Fuzzems´ fur.

The mage raised her eyebrows. "I don't think I want to know. Scratch that, I _know_ but I wish I didn't." she muttered, digging out a parcel from her bag and handing it to Ocheeva.

"Does that mean Lucien knew this atrocity would happen?" Vicente asked delicately, but there was an air of very careful anger around him. It was enough to make any sane and non-Sued person nervous. Blanche gave a weak half-smile and shook her head. "Does he at least know how to deal with that creature?"

"She isn't here, then? Oh, good." Blanche sighed in relief. "I really don't want to meet her. Well, anyway, Lucien called to ask me to deliver this to you guys. I originally meant to send a Dremora, but…" She observed the others, who were still looking edgy. "I thought you could use the moral support."

"Dully noted, Cousin, dully noted." Ocheeva muttered, but her bad mood wasn't aimed at her and everyone saw that. "So I'm guessing this means Lucien has a plan to get rid of her?"

"I think he does. He didn't tell me anything yet, but there was the oddest Khajiit with him. Kept asking me if I knew any good fables." Blanche shook her head, slightly amused. "Speaking of Khajiit, where is M'raaj Dar?"

"We don't know." Telaendril noted gloomily. "Antoinetta is acting strange and Gogron has become obsessed with a bunny that _thing_ keeps as a pet and occasional comic relief! I don't know what to do!"

Blanche didn't really know how to comfort the elf, so she said nothing on that account. "Well, I was just told to have you give the parcel to Mary. The rest will be taken care of, I hope. I must get back to my research, unfortunately."

"You mean you don't have to be here anymore?" Teinaava asked with hopeful eyes. "Couldn't we go too?"

The Breton shook her head. "Not yet, I'm afraid. Just… trust in Lucien and Sithis, I suppose." she said in a somewhat lame attempt to brighten their spirits. They looked so glum and/or out of character, it was almost terrifying to watch. She had to get back to her own story. "And the Anti-Sue."

"Anti-Sue?" Telaendril asked, unaware that such a thing existed. Blanche produced the bulletin _Who is Mary Sue and why does she have to die? _– the updated version of the one from the previous chapter, showing more reasons for her death. M'aiq was actually a pretty good writer.

The whole group read through it quickly and shuddered.

"Blanche," Vicente, the fastest reader of them, looked up at the Breton immediately. He recognized some of those symptoms of behavior written about in the essay. "If I ever morph into one of those _love-interests_ this article is writing about, you remember where the garlic is, don't you?"

The mage gave a nervous laugh before making a hasty exit out of the Sanctuary and, for the moment, this particular story. Lucien would _kill_ her if she told him that getting him out of this might prove next to impossible.


	7. I Spy Some Purple Prose

After such a long time, I give you… the update!

Da da DUM!

Heh, in any case, a huge thank you to Stephanie Meyer for inspiration for this; I decided, against my better judgment, to give Twilight a chance and see why everyone hated it. I have been enlightened – after ten pages, since the moment Prince Charming opened his glorious sparkly mouth, I had to toss the book into a bonfire. Mary still lives. In _bestsellers. _Wahoo.

**o.O.o**

**I Spy Some Purple Prose**

**o.O.o**

And so Mary Sue set off to fulfill yet another task for the Dark Brotherhood; only this time, she was followed. Not initially, as one of the pursuers was more than reluctant to do so, but at the mention of the various theories about what might happen to him if he didn't, Lucien had to concede that M'aiq had a point – they had to follow Mary to find out what her weaknesses are or to summon the Anti-Sue based on their new information. Having received a letter regarding Mary's new mission, it was relatively easy to track her to Leyawiin.

Once there, it was highly easy to spot her mahogany hair with sienna highlights among the crowds, partly because no one in nature had such a hair color, partly because everyone seemed to be giving her a wide berth. With reason, of course. She was dressed in her electric pink Dark Brotherhood armor that somehow went well with all that. However, now that she had filled in, the armor looked ready to rip around the chest, making it seem more like latex or second skin than actual armor.

Very noticeable indeed.

"Are you certain this is a good idea?" Lucien asked. The Speaker actually cringed when Mary seemed to glance in his direction; fortunately, there was a convenient bush behind which they were hiding for the moment. Shadowmere remained in the stables out of the city – most of all, M'aiq had said that it was most essential not to try and blend in.

"Avoiding Mary Sue is a bad idea." M'aiq adjusted his antique binoculars as he followed the sickeningly perfect girl with his eyes. Mary Sue invaded fandoms often enough, but somehow, the protesting writers simply couldn't hold their own against the newbies and thus the funding of the Anti-Sue office had declined. His equipment looked ancient in comparison to what one saw in spy movies. "She would find you eventually. The element of surprise is very important in hunting her."

Lachance raised an eyebrow. He was beginning to feel that he was _still_ surrounded by idiots and fools. "_What_ element of surprise?"

"Simple. Mary Sue love interests run from Mary Sue – those that are still sane, anyway." M'aiq amended, casting a glance at the Speaker; a glance that plainly said he wasn't going to guess in what group Lachance belonged. "To act contrary to logic is in the nature of Sue-d characters. Mary Sue will never suspect you of doing just that." he finished, looking satisfied when the Speaker blinked.

"Oh." But there was one crucial detail missing… "How does this help us, then?" Lachance prided himself in usually being knowledgeable on every subject he was required to speak of. It frustrated him that he knew so little about their current topic, but it was also a source of elation for him.

"The letter from your friend said Mary Sue has been sent to assassinate a powerful NPC in the open." M'aiq explained, gripping his binoculars as Mary began talking with some Legion officers, who were almost immediately under the spell of the powers of Su. It had to be pheromones. Someday, he was going to find out and have a grand lecture about it at the Fanfic Writing Convention. Mary Sue defeated by bug spray – that would be a nice title. "We will get to see the scope of her powers."

"Perhaps she will fall in love with someone else and rid me of the problem herself." Lachance muttered, a hopeful tone to his suggestion. The Legion idiots were gathering around the beast, almost drooling – in a manner that didn't show the difference between wanting her and wanting to eat her. There was a chance that it might be both. A small one, regretfully.

The Khajiit gave a mild nod, weighting the options. "That is possible. A dragon M'aiq once knew once thought the same." he noted, pausing to recall the memory. It was a vivid one, to be certain. The sparkles still blinded him, even now. "It ended quite well."

Unfortunately, that wasn't quite enough to convince Lachance. "Well how?" He didn't become Speaker of the Black Hand by satisfying himself with bits of information.

"Well…" the Khajiit felt a slight grin tug at the corners of his mouth. "They don't call M'aiq the Liar for no reason..."

Lachance groaned inwardly. This was going to be a _long_ epic tale.

The pair (in M'aiq's case, heavily disguised with fake bush branches and the army-green color of his 'detective work' robes) watched as havoc began to threaten. Mary Sue was still the center of all attention and every officer within sight seemed to be intent on helping her with her difficult task. It seemed that she had spun a story about her being Phillida's fiancée since they were kids (a long-forgotten history that made everyone sympathetic) and she had come to announce that she couldn't marry him because she loved another, who had died in a battle and she would remain true to him till death.

Phillida actually showed up and though he wasn't affected by this sudden ordeal, it seemed that he demanded quite a few explanations. In the meantime, all of the officers tried to cheer up and woo Mary at the same time until it seemed they were beginning to blame their retired superior for her sadness. A brawl hung in the air and the two observers knew that this time, Mary would not be merciful.

"Say, what about that Breton female that acts as your information source slash messenger?" M'aiq noted suddenly, marking a few boxes on a parchment with the words The Ultimate Mary Sue Litmus Test for Sue Busters and glancing at Lachance with raised ears.

"What about her?" the Speaker asked brusquely, his left eyelid twitching as he watched ordinary, boorish, mediocre soldiers turn into fops in sparkly armor for the beast. It was truly horrifying.

The Khajiit marked down a few more things before answering. "M'aiq knows she is an original character." Lachance gave the slightest nod, uncertain where this was going while watching the scene in front of them in morbid fascination before remembering to be very, very afraid that such a thing might happen to him. "If you fell in love with her and explained it to Mary Sue with enough melodrama, it might help… if we are dealing with Angsty Mary Sue, of course." M'aiq shrugged. "M'aiq can't say for certain yet."

Once more, the Speaker cringed just a little bit. Not that the idea was utterly repulsive – certainly not, both of them could do much worse – but he could just about imagine how much Mary would wail and whine. He liked his eardrums the way they were. Plus, endangering someone who could possibly send Mary to Oblivion as a last resort wasn't a good idea. "No, thank you."

"M'aiq finds that sad." the Khajiit noted, his tail swishing a bit. He rather liked the mage from the brief encounter they had had. "Breton girl seemed interested in fables…"

Lachance gave the faintest snort; M'aiq didn't seem to hear it, fortunately. "Invite me to the wedding." he muttered to himself, imagining the somewhat humorous scene. _If Blanche doesn't fireball you to Oblivion for that._ Which she wouldn't, because she wasn't a Mary Sue or Anti-Sue, but it was something entertaining to imagine. Far better than Mary.

But M'aiq wasn't listening now; the Khajiit pressed the binoculars closer to his face. "Oooh, this is interesting." he said, scribbling onto the parchment again.

"Did the Legion dogs manage to kill her?" Lucien asked, struggling to grab the binoculars and see. That would be awesome news.

The Khajiit gave him a hard, doubtful look. "M'aiq is interested in fables, not utopias. It seems that Legion people are more interested in Mary Sue than is good for them… there isn't any hope left for them. So sad." Of course, he sounded anything but sad. This was needed information, down to the way Mary flounced away from the scene. He made a special note about Mr. Fuzzems, the only creature perceptive enough to notice them but not care in any way.

When Lucien finally got hold of the binoculars, he saw that Phillida had been beaten to a pulp by his own men, who were still trailing after Mary like lost puppies. Involuntarily, he was impressed. "I hate to admit it, but for a brainless twit, she sure knows how to use her talents."

"Mary Sue is a sly creature when she wants to be." M'aiq noted, calculating the final score. It was over a hundred; this _beep_ was done-for now. The Anti-Sue despised Ultimate Sues above all else. They were done for today. "She can be omnipotent and powerless at the same time."

"I don't believe this." Lachance shook his head as Mary vanished in a pink puffy cloud of sparkles to the general ooh and aah of the crowd that had gathered around her. "People get away with this in this fanfiction thing you told me about?"

"This is a very realistic development for fanfiction, M'aiq thinks." It was true, actually; with the recent introduction of new fandoms and forums, the internet had been flooded with poor stories with little characterization. And then, the horror of horrors had been unleashed: self-inserts (read: Mary Sues). Perfect, loveable fifteen-year-olds that were able to save the universe without moving a finger. It was terrifying. "M'aiq has enough information now. Not enough to make a good fable… but enough for a decent plan." the Khajiit added hastily, catching a death glare sent towards him.

Lachance nodded, as pacified by this as he could be, considering the situation. "We should return to Fort Farragut, then. I'll have Blanche help us with this; she owes me that much for not bothering to show up herself to poison that beast when we still had a chance."

"M'aiq thinks that's a good idea. Maybe we can temporarily defeat Mary Sue by trapping her in a love triangle with some purple prose on the side…"

"_No._"

_Mary_**Sue**_Mary_**Sue**_Mary_**Sue**_Mary_**Sue**_Mary_**Sue**_Mary_**Sue**_Mary_**Sue**_Mary_**Sue**_Mary_**Sue**_Mary_**Sue**_Mary_**Sue**_Mary_**Sue**_Mary_**Sue**_Mary_**Sue**

Mary Sue, ecstatic that the dreaded puppy-kicker had been punished, felt like doing some good deeds on the way home. And this was how, by will of the Great Plot, she encountered one Lisette "Blanche" Lemieux, who had been on her way to Fort Farragut after receiving a letter near the Nocturnal shrine. Blanche had encountered a minotaur from which she intended to harvest horns by stunning and skinning it – in that order – but Mary, in her righteous mood, believed that the girl was being attacked by the minotaur and was in sore need of assistance. There was only one thing to do about a monster that didn't leave young maidens alone…

Mary sicked Mr. Fuzzems on him.

Needless to say, the poor sucker had no idea what hit him. In any case, Blanche did, which was why she bit her tongue as Mary flounced towards her. She knew that trying spells on her was useless, but it was almost too much of a tempting thought.

Clueless as ever, Mary gasped, quickly checking if the 'damsel in distress' was all right. "Oh, you poor dear!" she twittered, circling Blanche in a very discomforting manner. The Breton was having a very hard time restraining herself. "Are you all right?"

"Yes." Blanche figured that monosyllable responses could perhaps dissuade the twit from making more pointless conversation. "Thank you, but I had that under control…"

Of course, Mary wasn't listening by this point; she flashed her trademark blinding smile and rambled on while Blanche rubbed her suddenly wet eyes. Mary misinterpreted those tears as well. "No need to thank me! Whenever I see someone less fortunate then I – and let's face it, who isn't less fortunate then I? – my tender heart tends to start to bleed!

That _and _she was quoting a Broadway musical. There was no doubt about it now. _Holy_… "You're Mary Sue, aren't you?" Blanche asked, just in case. She would have preferred a different answer than having the anime-eyed monstrosity blink her baby blue non-swimming pools in surprise.

"Why, yes, I am!" Mary nodded, finally dropping the Kristin Chenoweth impersonation. "I didn't know someone would recognize me… I had hoped it wouldn't happen so soon! But wait… if you know my secret nickname, then you must be…"

"I'm not Dark Brotherhood…!" Blanche quickly said, believing they were the only ones who knew it.

"…one of my fans from my previous stories in Morrowind!" Mary finished happily. She was just about to start handing out autographs before blinking prettily again. "I- wait? _You're _Dark Brotherhood?" she asked incredulously, taking a better look at the mage's plain robes, young face and dark blonde hair.

"No… technically." Blanche noted curtly, willing to finish this as soon as possible.

"Ohmigod!" Mary gasped out, covering her mouth with a delicate hand. "I, like, _totally_ wouldn't have guessed it! You're so young-looking…" she trailed off, deciding to compliment the best thing about her appearance. But the girl was actually _normal-looking_ compared to the others!

"Uh, thanks?"

"Come on, I'll help you up." Blanche had been sitting on a tree stump throughout the conversation, waiting for Mr. Fuzzems to finish his gruesome work. The bunny was now returning, innocently chewing on a piece of grass. "Oh, you have dirt in your hair, I'm so sorry about that!"

Blanche gave the creature a hard look. "No I don't." she said flatly. She was aware of her shades of ash and tawny, thank you very much. "I didn't fall down."

"You mean… ah, how terrible for you! That's your natural hair color?!" Mary gasped out, a zillion ideas for possible highlights and/or hair color changes going through her mind.

Blanche shrugged. "I guess so…" She _could_ modify the color through magic if she wanted to, but saw no need for such a step; why bother?

"Don't worry about it one bit!" Mary gushed out confidently before she could help herself – evidently, she wanted to cheer Blanche up and give her more self-confidence. "You're still relatively pretty in a slightly nerdy younger sister kind of way!"

"Of course." The best way to calm a lunatic was to agree with everything they said and ignore everything they didn't say. Blanche fulfilled both points to the very end, but her patience was at an end. "Well, sorry to have kept you, but I must be on my way now…"

"Wait!" Reluctantly, Blanche did. "You're going back to Cheydinhal, aren't you? To Chichi and Vivi and the others, right? And _darling Lulukins!_" Mary added, sighing dreamily at the very mention of Lachance. Her mental image of the Speaker had conveniently morphed into a knight in shining armor, though he still roughly resembled the man he was modeled after. However, there were limits to that, too.

Blanche, on the other hand, almost chortled with laughter. Now that was a first. Of course, Lucien would kill her if she called him that, but it was such an entertaining thought. "Something like that." she admitted.

"Sooo how do you know Lulu?" Mary asked immediately. She wasn't jealous at all, because obviously, this girl was some younger-sister kind of person to everyone she met, so there was no cause to be alarmed. Besides, she was nice enough looking, but definitely nowhere near as pretty and sparkly as Mary.

"Lucien?" Blanche asked just to verify it. she didn't wait for a response. "I suppose we could be considered friends…" It was a long story and she didn't have the time or patience to tell it to Mary. Moreover, she didn't want to.

But it was enough for the Sue, who clapped her hands excitedly. "I knew it! Oh, lookie, we're here already!" she added, looking around; certainly enough, they were now standing in Cheydinhal, though Blanche could swear they hadn't walked more than fifty meters. This Mary Sue was a creature to be reckoned with, for certain.

And now was the time to flee, while she was occupied.

"Yeah… well… as much as I'd like to stay, I kind of need to get going right now." Blanche gushed out, already turning on her heel. _Before I puke_.

"Okay! Oh, wait, I didn't even ask your name!" Mary remembered, slipping from her happy-go-lucky persona for a moment. She seemed a bit ashamed, but she shrugged it off after a millisecond.

"That you didn't." Blanche confirmed, still walking away without turning.

Mary gave a twittering laugh. "Silly me! So what's your name?" She really wanted to make friends, especially the normal kind, if she was staying with Lucien. And befriending Lucien's friends was in her best interest, aside from being a generally nice thing.

Blanche thought for a moment or two, but then decided to give her a name, for kicks and giggles. "Elizabeth Bennet." she said, rather hoping that Mary would realize too late what name she had received.

Unfortunately, Mary's creator might have heard about _Pride and Prejudice, _but certainly hadn't read it or bothered to find out who the main characters were. And so… "Okay! See you, Lizzie!"

"Jeanne Frasoric, I believe I've found you a soulmate." Blanche muttered to herself once out of earshot before heading in the general direction of the town's gates.

_Mary_**Sue**_Mary_**Sue**_Mary_**Sue**_Mary_**Sue**_Mary_**Sue**_Mary_**Sue**_Mary_**Sue**_Mary_**Sue**_Mary_**Sue**_Mary_**Sue**_Mary_**Sue**_Mary_**Sue**_Mary_**Sue**_Mary_**Sue**

Fort Farragut was a generally unpleasant ruin of a fortress that effectively made a statement. That being: 'If you don't have business here, bugger off!'

Blanche _did_ have business there, so she ignored the statement, though whether the fort was upset or not was questionable. Its skeletal guardians certainly were, because it meant they didn't have anyone or anything to beat to a pulp that day and so they let her pass. She descended into the private sanctuary via the ladder anyway.

"Honey, I'm home!" she couldn't help calling in a solid imitation of Mary's squeaky voice upon seeing that someone was already there. Sure enough, a very disgruntled and somewhat twitchy Lucien Lachance practically materialized out of the shadows, apparently two steps away from a heart attack.

"_Blanche…!" _he growled, glaring daggers at the petite woman, who was fortunate not to see it. She was almost doubled over laughing, despite knowing that it wasn't in her health's best interests to spook someone like him like this. but he owed her for not calling him _darling Lulukins._

"You should have seen your face!" she managed to get out in-between giggles.

"Good one, good one! But don't do it again. M'aiq has only one of each of his vital organs." the Khajiit she had met before added from above a pile of notes and ancient Sue-hunting equipment. Blanche shot him a smile before raising her hands in a defensive gesture as a distinctly unamused Speaker took a step towards her, looking rather as if he wanted to wring her neck for that one.

"Okay, okay! I wanted to cheer myself up after the traumatic experience of meeting your girlfriend on the way here."

That stopped him, if only briefly. He could almost sympathize with her after she had been forced to endure that traumatic experience. "You've met her now?"

Blanche nodded, grimacing. "Yes. I wonder why you don't just kill her yourself, though. She wouldn't be able to stop her _darling Lulukins._" she emphasized, but this time, Lachance only shuddered from head to toe, looking rather as if he had been hit with one too many shock spells.

"M'aiq thinks that should be our last resort." the robe-clad Khajiit added, going through a book written in a script Blanche couldn't understand. "Exposure to the powers of Su might be too much even for a Dark Brotherhood Speaker."

"I really don't fancy becoming one of those… _love interests_." Lucien managed to get out, cringing a bit again. He had to sit down before he got sick, leaving the stacks of books and notes on fanfiction and Mary Sue to the rather mismatched pair.

"That's nice, but it doesn't solve our – _your_ – problem. Do you have something?" Blanche asked, seeing that the Khajiit was writing something more down.

"M'aiq has a plan. He'll exchange it for a Colovian Fur Helmet…" Both Blanche and Lucien sent him death glares, almost equally effective. M'aiq still rather thought that the love-triangle melodrama might have worked. In any case, he grinned. "M'aiq is a liar, remember?"

"Now, then." Blanche urged, waiting for him to begin.

"The plan is as simple as impossibility. We must separate Mary Sue from essential characters before sending the Anti Sue after her. Give her something to occupy her attention. Mary Sue loves heroic quests." M'aiq noted, speaking from experience. Most Sues just couldn't resist going on a treasure hunt, rescuing someone or being generally self-righteously righteous twits. Their airhead nature only helped this.

"We've run out of assignments by now." Blanche noted glumly. Ocheeva had said as much before descending into the depths of despair. Mary had cleared them right out "There isn't anything left."&

"Yes there is." The two others glanced at Lucien, who spoke up at last. His face was ashen, but determined as well. He looked like a man ready for one last gambit before accepting suicide as the only solution. "I have need of a new Silencer… and the beast is certainly powerful enough to deal with the tasks. If I contact her through dead drops only, she'll have no chance of encountering any of us."

"She might still seek out those at the Sanctuary." Blanche objected. She didn't really like this plan. However, M'aiq didn't voice any objections yet.

Lucien nodded, as if to say he had thought of that. "The Purification." he said firmly. That way, the others could leave the story unfazed.

"What?" Blanche blinked. She knew the name, but didn't think it was still performed. It never seemed to help them. "I thought that got crossed out of Brotherhood acting policy years ago."

"She doesn't know." Lachance insisted, quite certain of it. "And if we use Languorwine, everything will work out."

"Famous last words." Blanche and M'aiq muttered at the same time, but agreed.


	8. I’ve been dreaming of a true love’s kiss

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!!!

**o.O.o**

**I've been dreaming of a true love's kiss… and the sex scene that must come with this…**

**o.O.o**

Mary returned to the Sanctuary, feeling rather surprised to see everyone assembled in the main hall, apparently waiting for her. It was flattering, but also a bit weird. But Mary was used to it; after all, her awesomeness was so great that crowds greeted her at every turn.

There was a sea of whispers around her, but it hushed immediately when they saw her creamy white skin glowing in the torchlight, rather as if she had been struck by radiation. Her hazelnut-colored curls bounced around her ears as she descended to them all, rather like a statue of a goddess of goddesses coming down from her pedestal, descending to the common folk.

Ocheeva was the first who reacted when a hush fell, sticking to the plan. "Mary! Ah, good to see you!" she didn't know what else to say. The Argonian was actually beginning to be a bit afraid of Mary; the thing seemed indestructible by any standard now. What if even this plan failed?

"Oh, you were waiting for me?" Mary gasped. She didn't see that this was actually a party to celebrate Phillida's downfall, with only Gogron being genuinely pleased to see her, but only due to the bad characterization spell he was under. "How sweet of you all!"

"Well, we were certain that you wouldn't have any problems with your mission, so we felt like congratulating you!" Teinaava jumped in. he knew that Mary hadn't known him for too long, so she probably wouldn't have too much to say to him. His egg-mate quickly jumped in and handed Mary one of the two letters they had received from Lucien via courier in the previous chapters. The perfectly perfect girl gasped, her manicured hand shaking slightly as she took the envelope.

"A present? For me?" she gave them a million-watt smile that would have easily blinded anyone. Fortunately, most of them already knew of this horrible weapon and had Matrix-style glasses on hand, just to make certain their eyes remained intact. "Oh, you shouldn't have!"

"We insist." Teinaava continued when Mary shrunk away, shoving the letter into her hands.

"Actually, it isn't from us, it's from Lucien." Telaendril piped up, just to make sure their plan didn't fail on a technicality.

It worked immediately – Mary squealed prettily, tearing the envelope very easily and neatly at the same time, something that shouldn't normally be possible.

"Lulu sent this to me?!" she gushed happily, reading with the speed of light. "How thoughtful of him! Ooh! A love letter!"

"Does she know those are orders?" Telaendril whispered to Ocheeva, who kept a rigid smile on her face.

"Apparently not."

Teinaava cleared his throat. "Well, you should keep the content…"

"Lulu invited me to his place for a date!" Mary screamed –_no­- _cried out joyfully, almost swooning in ecstasy. She felt happiness overwhelming her as the Dunmer angels appeared and began singing a horribly off-key ragtime version of Beethoven's Ode to Joy with some improvisation on the side. It suited the atmosphere rather well.

Thankfully, they didn't have Disney in their repertoire.

"…secret." Why he even bothered, Teinaava didn't know.

"Our first official date! This is SO very exciting!" Mary did a full ballet routine across the room, not tripping over any object or knocking into anyone. She was feeling so light on her feet, as if she had drunk at least five bottles of gin. She could sprout wings, truly, but this wasn't an anime, so she decided not to be too showy. Instead, she cuddled with Mr. Fuzzems for a moment before pirouetting to the spot where her dancing had begun.

"Ah, congratulations…?" Vicente, who was reading a book on monster extermination on the side (searching for a way to kill Mary) suggested when everyone seemed to look at him.

"Oh, it says I should come as soon as possible!" Mary gasped, reading the letter over and over again, despite having memorized it with freakish precision already. "That it's time I served the Black Hand directly!"

Now that was news. The others knew that some plot was being unfolded here but this…

"That means he's promoting you to be Silencer…?" Teinaava asked incredulously, but Mary was too busy swooning to notice.

Teleandril's jaw fell, before a look of unconcealed rage and irritation appeared on her face. "That twat?"

"Well, she _is _indestructible…" Vicente muttered to himself. At least, he hadn't found a good enough way to kill her yet…

Ocheeva shrugged. "I guess killing Phillida kinda justifies that."

Mary, however, finally realized that she, despite her supposed knowledge of the Dark Brotherhood from her previous existence with them centuries ago, had conveniently forgotten what a Silencer might be. She got amnesia sometimes, unfortunately. "What does that mean, Chichi?"

"It means that you're moving to stay with him to be his-" Mary didn't let her finish – in her mind, there wasn't any need to finish that sentence; it was complete.

"Kyaaa!" She couldn't resist being a Japanese schoolgirl-imitation for a moment, complete with sailor fuku and hair blue as the sea, the sky and breath mints combined. Then, she returned to her usual nymph-like appearance, with shining silver hair. But cool silver, not the gray hair old people get. Just so you know. So nyah. "This is, like, AWESOME! We're moving together! Did you hear that, Mr. Fuzzems? I'll be living together with Lulu!"

"Actually, a Silencer is sort of a private bodyguard for the Speaker…" Teinaava wondered why Ocheeva even bothered adding that. However, Mary apparently caught the word _bodyguard._

She grinned in what was likely supposed to be a sexy fashion, but it reminded Gogron a bit of the sharks from Finding Nemo. He loved that movie. "Oh, don't worry, Lulu made the right choice! I'll guard his body veeery well…" She checked the letter, to be certain. "I just have to overcome the obstacles to True Love, as he says here!"

"Is that _really_ the package Blanche dropped off here?" Vicente muttered to Telaendril, unable to focus on his book any longer. The archer facepalmed, shaking her head.

"This seems way too crazy…"

"I just knew today was going to be a good day!" Meanwhile, Mary was jumping up and down, giggling like a blushing schoolgirl. She was still young and innocent, but her experience with _guarding bodies_ was ample. One had to wonder how she could manage to be a virgin after having had sex with enough people to colonize a medium-sized island, but such things aren't the author's concern. "Ooh, that Lizzie girl I met had to be a fairy godmother! Except I have one already, but maybe Donna didn't have time to come…"

Now _that_ caught Telaendril's attention, being one of the few who knew Blanche's actual name.

"Waydaminit – _Lizzie?_ Who?"

"A really nice but boring-looking girl I saved today!" Just for a moment, Mary stopped her gushing, but she continued jumping up and down. "And she said she was Dark Brotherhood – I forgot, silly me!"

"Something weird is going on." the Bosmer murmured with a frown, soft enough for only Vicente to hear.

The vampire shrugged. The ends justified the means in this case. "Well, as long as we get rid of the monster…"

"…but marriage is only a step away from living together! And despite him being a shady top-of-the-line assassin, I'm sure that this is the first step of Lulu's transformation into a wussy romantic everyman/prince charming who'll want nothing but his True Love and a gingerbread cottage with 2.5 kids and an anime-eyed yappy dog! Except we can't have that, since Mr. Fuzzems is already my mascot in this story!" Mary gasped, her rosy cheeks flushing to the shade of raw meat… or something. "Oh, the tragedy!"

"Yes, well, anyway, you might want to get going." Teinaava tried again, just to make certain she didn't forget the fact that she was supposed to be leaving. They'd all need therapy after this fanfic. M'raaj Dar, the lucky sucker, didn't even have the decency to send them a postcard. "Lucien will be waiting for you."

Mary's anime-esque eyes filled with pearly tears suddenly. After all the murdering and assassinating and latex-wearing they had done together, she had come to think of all of them as her family. "Guys… you took such great care of me. I-I don't know what to say… you're not as awesomely perfect as me – in fact, you're pretty weird – but I'll remember to invite you all to my and Lulukins´ wedding." Unable to keep the tears away, she rushed to the nearest and only cute guy's chest and started sobbing into his shirt.

Needless to say, Vicente was about to subtly try to twist her head off before a scream was heard.

"NOOOOO!" Antoinetta, who had been conspicuously absent from the chapter up till then, suddenly appeared. The transformation was complete; she was wearing a garish orange and white cheerleader outfit. Or something that was supposed to resemble it; it was an extremely skimpy rendition. Her top was barely more than a bra and her skirt was short enough that even standing still, her underwear would have been visible. Needless to say, her fellow assassins were staring at her bleached pigtails and heavy make up and… other changes… rather shocked. "I, like, won't allow it! Lulu is, like mine, you biaeioutch!"

Her pompons in a battle-ready pose, Antoinetta (or Tonya, as she'd rather be called now) got ready to pounce. However, Mary, arms wide, straightened up valiantly to protect Vicente from this threat.

"Tony! I know you love Lulu, but if you love him, you'll let him go – to be with me!" she proclaimed heroically. "The triangle has gone on for too long and the readers already know that I am his True Love and thus destined to be with him!"

Throwing a hissy fit, Antoinetta jumped up and down like the spoiled cheerleader she now was. "It can't be! You're fat and ugly! You have pointy ears! Glossy hair! A perfectly hour-glass shaped figure! You're a D-cup! With a spotless complexion!" Suddenly, realizing she couldn't insult Mary in any other way, she collapsed in a heap on the floor, sobbing pathetically. "And I-I-… I need a hug!!!!"

But Mary, ever-gracious, smiled with the benevolence of a psychiatrist ready to order a patient a medical overdose. "Not to worry, Tony! I am perfect, yes, and it's a horrible burden to bear… but I cannot change what I am. Yet Lulu loves me despite my flaws and you must learn to accept that. But never fear! I found you the perfect beau! Look!" Mary went aside for a moment, bringing forth one of the Dark Guardians of the Sanctuary. It now had a picture of Natalie Wood in West Side Story plastered across where a face should have been. Not the best rendition, but… "This is Maria! I nicknamed him Marty!"

And Antoinetta, realizing the horrible error she made, underwent another sudden character development.

"Boohoo! I-I can't hate you anymore, Mary!" she confessed, ashamed of her own uncoolness. "You're, like, the bestest! We'll be BFF forever and ever and ever!"

"I knew you'd redeem yourself in the end, Tony!" Mary noted happily. Her mind was set – her work here was done. "But I must go now – Lulukins and the Inevitable Sex Scene await me!"

"You go girl!" Antoinetta cheered, getting back on her feet and doing a bad cheerleading routine with her pompons.

Everyone watched with shock and revulsion, so Mary used that moment to say her farewells. Her eyes shimmering with tears, like two emerald-amethyst-sapphire-jade lakes, she turned to Vicente, shining with hope.

"Vivi… remember me!" He would, she was certain, because their True Love couldn't be denied. "Fifty years isn't that long a wait… please endure it for me!"

The vampire deigned this remark not worth thinking up a response and promptly excused himself. He needed to get really, really drunk on some good blood tonight to wash away these horrible memories.

"I'll miss you, Mary!" Gogron noted cheerfully, looking very hyper and quite out of character. "Mr. Fuzzems too!" The little bunny hissed and shivered, hiding behind Mary's chocolate curls.

Our heroine sighed wistfully. "T'was not to be, Gogo! But never fear!" And with that, she produced a Playboy Bunny suit, one of her disguises back in the nineties. It _always_ worked on the stubborn ones! "Teli, here! So that your True Love never wavers!"

"Uh… thanks?" the Bosmer noted, not quite understanding what the fishnets were supposed to be for.

"Chichi, I'm sure you'll find Cousin Barney someday!" Mary refrained from hugging Ocheeva. Meanwhile Teinaava had discreetly vanished and Mary couldn't tell them apart anyway, so it was no big deal. Mounting her sparkly My Little Pony unicorn, she blew them all a kiss as the peanut gallery cheered. "I love you all! Thank you! Thank you!"

And then, in a cloud of sparkly mist, she vanished, leaving the assassins standing there, dumbstruck. It took them several minutes to recover somewhat and a lot of therapy to ever recover completely. For the time being, though…

"_What_ was that all about?" Telaendril demanded, throwing the horrible outfit aside.

Teinaava, breaking stealth, shrugged. "She's gone – isn't that all that matters?"

Gogron and Antoinetta were both blinking with unfocused faces; once Mary vanished, they returned to their former selves, if only for a moment, being very surprised by all the events.

"Why don't we open the other letter?" Ocheeva suggested, taking the envelope out.

_Mary_**Sue**_Mary_**Sue**_Mary_**Sue**_Mary_**Sue**_Mary_**Sue**_Mary_**Sue**_Mary_**Sue**_Mary_**Sue**_Mary_**Sue**_Mary_**Sue**_Mary_**Sue**_Mary_**Sue**_Mary_**Sue**_Mary_**Sue**

"Honey, I'm home!!!"

For a highly-secured location and the outward appearance of an abandoned but haunted ruin, Fort Farragut was rather easy to find and infiltrate. At least, for someone driven by the Great Plot. Mary made it into the living quarters quickly, without having to even lift a finger. Mr. Fuzzems was able to scare the guardians away. Sure enough, there was Lucien Lachance, looking somewhat rigid as the girl approached him with the lovely smile of a lunatic. The silence was interrupted only by her soft footsteps and the sound of two people munching and crunching chips.

The Speaker cleared his throat and the crunching quieted down a little, but not for long. Seeing that this went nowhere, he decided to speak to make it less obvious. It didn't work, but at least Mary seemed far too focused on him to hear that Blanche and M'aiq were hidden somewhere in the room.

"So. You have made it past the skeleton guardians, the hundred-feet-tall wall, the shark-filled moat, the flypaper and even the beta of this fanfic." It was a wonder that Mary didn't see how thin his lips were now, due to being pressed so hard together, or how his teeth were loudly grinding. "I expected nothing less from you, Mary."

"Nothing in the world could keep me from you, Lulukins!" Mary proclaimed, trying not to swoon at his excessive manliness. He had become far more handsome, but that was a standard for him now. Whenever Mary showed up, his charisma points went up by at least ten. Not that it was her intention; these things just happened. "Nothing! When I have the power of love guiding me…"

"I get the picture." Lucien raised his arms defensively before she could come any closer. He managed to stop her at six inches. Not good enough, but at least he didn't have a wall behind him. "_Now._ As I informed you in my letter, you'll be acting as my Silencer from now on."

Mary nodded excitedly. "Yes, yes, Chichi explained it all to me! I'll watch your body _really_ thoroughly, don't worry!" she gave a series of coy winks that made Lachance wonder if perhaps she had epilepsy. That would have been a wonderful improvement. However, he halted this urge to ask by coughing discreetly. The munching continued, irritating him a bit.

"A Silencer isn't merely a bodyguard." he explained, shuddering at the mental image she must have gotten. He knew most other Silencers personally and he really didn't _need_ such mental images of them with the other Speakers. "It is a private assassin in my employ, as a Speaker. You will be receiving assignments from me directly from now on."

This, for Mary, was further confirmation of the Trueness of his True Love. Not that she needed any, but this definitely showed that he wanted to take their relationship to the next level. "I knew you wanted to get closer to me, Lulu! Don't worry." The girl gave a quick whistle and the movers with several pink suitcases appeared. "I've brought all my stuff! Just put it in our room, ok? Thankies, you're a dear!" she noted when the movers brought in everything, even her Barbie collection.

Later on, Lachance would gleefully imagine these things burning. Now, he simply got even edgier. "I think you misunderstood somewhat. You'll be in very little contact with me from now on; all the information will be passed through dead drops."

"And that over-WHAT????" The noise deafened everyone but Lucien, Mary, and the pair in the closet, since they had headphones and a techno CD playing to bring some life to the horrible mess of a scene.

"Mary…"

"NO!" Mary wailed, her dulcet tones almost breaking every glass within range. She made a wonderful impression of Bella Swan from Twilight when she wanted to, even having the same emo-teen appearance for a moment, without the emo-ness, of course. But it showed that she kept up to date with trends. "NO YOU CANNOT LEAVE MY BY GOD OR I´LL CRY AND CRY AND HUFF AND PUFF AND- wait, what was my point?" Mary frowned, her anger disappearing with a flourish. "I'm confused now…"

"What I meant to say is, a traitor is threatening the Brotherhood now." Lachance announced dramatically before she had the chance to ask for a hug. Mary gasped with equal patheticness, but of course hers sounded much more authentic. "Several great agents have been killed and…"

"Oh! Now I understand!" Exhaling, Mary fanned her face with her perfect hand, giggling in relief. "You had me frightened for a moment! But someone is against our love???" Her eyes, large as saucers, were too close, so Lucien took another step away. "Someone stands against the trueness of our True Love? Who are they?? Mary CRUSH PUNY RESISTANCE!" And in time too, since the floor broke underneath the force of her feet. Mary stared at the result of her own power, giving an embarrassed giggle.

She had to be killed off, _now. _"I don't know who the betrayer is… yet. But the Cheydinhal Sanctuary has apparently been targeted."

"A-HA! I knew it! The cooties were real, right?" Mary knew it from the very beginning, of course. But she had proof now. With Lucien, they were a Dream Team, with her being the superhero and him the hot sidekick wearing tight pants and… what?

"Eh, yes. Exactly." Lachance didn't even know if this was part of their original plan or not, but decided to go along with it. "You cannot return there anymore. Forget everyone you saw there. They will be Purified thanks to a bacteria exterminator later on."

"But that's so horrible!!!" Mary wailed, this time preventing his escape by throwing her arms around the struggling Speaker.

"Yes, well, you have to get to work so you can expose the traitor and be the hero of this story."

Fortunately, Mary let go before Lachance suffocated, but the tight grip left the Speaker gasping for air. "Well, I had _thought_ of getting involved with the Oblivion crisis – I know Mr. Fuzzems and I could use our power of awesomeness to defeat Dagon – but you are _everything _to me, Lulu." she sighed, already composing their Song of True Love in her mind. "You are yin to my yang, black to my white, bread to my butter, the answer to my love's duet… I'll get to it at once."

"Splendid." Lucien noted briskly, jumping out of the way when she tried to hug him again. He wasn't certain he could survive that, so he decided to quickly put a table between them. "Your first dead drop is in a hollow rock at Hero Hill. One more thing… outside, a present awaits you. A token of my… respect… and… _love_." The words came out of him with great difficulty, but it was a needed sacrifice.

Another thing to cross out on her True Love List, Mary realized. They were almost ready for the sex scene. "Lulu… you didn't have to! You know that I don't care if you're rich or not or if our romance is even logical, just that you're really, really hot!" Mary assured him.

"I insist." With luck, the mare would throw her off over a cliff or something. Actually, she had specific instructions to do just that, but Lachance wasn't certain how well that would work out. "Shadowmere has served me very well in the past; now, she will help in a different way."

"Then nothing will stand in the way of our love!" Mary announced, this time succeeding in crushing him in a bone-crushing hug. But she apparently mastered the knowledge of the moment when to let go, because Lachance survived and saw Mary climbing the rope ladder out of his lair. He was about to wipe his brow in relief before she turned back on the last step. "Pookie, one more thing."

In moments such as these, it was easy to notice that the chip-munching had long-since stopped. A vein pulsed dangerously on the Speaker's forehead and if looks could kill… "Yes?" the single syllable contained such venom that it would have poisoned an entire army.

"Promise me that we'll get married once all of this is over."

"_What_?"

"Promise!" Mary pouted prettily, giving him an excellent view of her rear, just to make him see what he had to gain. "Otherwise, I couldn't bear to be parted from you!"

She completely missed the violent way in which the Speaker winced, as if a death blow had been delivered to him. "I-fine, yes, I promise!" he rasped out, teeth grinding again.

"Cool!" Mary didn't think she could feel delirious from happiness, but she did. Though perhaps that was just the height. The sex scene had to wait now. I mean, I'm Not That Kind Of Girl, you know… I'll have to call Donna once I get back! Toodles!"

And she was gone. Lachance actually forgot to breathe once the full weight of his promise fell on his shoulders with a thump. At least he wasn't alone, though; once Mary sealed the exit, the door to the Conveniently Large Closet opened and Blanche and M'aiq came out.

"I can't believe she fell for that." The mage shook her head while the Khajiit waved a paw in front of Lachance's face, since he seemed to be in shock.

He was quick to recover, though, and immediately rounded up on the Breton. "Couldn't you have just disintegrated her from over there?" he hissed, pointing to the rather large peephole M'aiq was now covering up. "It would have made my life much simpler."

"Well… "Blanche fidgeted. And her eyes darted to something in the closet. The Speaker saw that much. "You see… No, no, wait!"

Unfortunately, Lachance didn't. he opened the door rather roughly to find the remains of an obviously neck-to-neck game of canasta. Who the winner was, no one could tell, since they were using so many cards. There were also a few CDs there, a CD player and two sets of headphones. The Anti-Sue equipment was discarded in the corner.

"You were playing cards." Lachance summarized slowly. Blanche decided that putting some space between herself and the Speaker was likely a life-saving decision at the moment.

But she probably owed him an explanation as well. "We wouldn't have survived that dreadful love declaration without a distraction." He just had to understand that; the dialogue was so cheesy.

"M'aiq forgot his Sex Scene: the Mary Sue version manual in his other robes." the Khajiit added, ruining whatever persuasion check she just made. He had no spare robes. "He can't be blamed for not watching."

"There wasn't going to be _any_ sex scene." Lachance rumbled and both Blanche and the Khajiit had the distinct impression of the thunder before a storm.

The latter decided to ignore it with a shrug. "M'aiq thought it was leading up to it, so we decided not to risk it."

"He even brought these, in case things got graphic." Blanche held up some old VHS tapes of musicals from the fifties, plus some homemade Fishy Stick movies: A new fishy stick, The fishy stick strikes back and Return of the fishy stick. She personally wasn't certain if it was better than the sex scene.

"What's with that camera?" Lachance noticed a strategically placed camera near the closet. It looked thoroughly high-tech, quite in contrast with the other equipment.

Blanche shrugged. "Well, we'd have to watch it eventually, but to see it live would be too much of a trauma."

"Blanche."

"Yes?" He seemed so much calmer now…

However, the look in his eyes spoke volumes. Blanche considered what her chances of immediate escape were. She wasn't even supposed to be in this story. "I am now seriously considering ending your life right here and now."

"You can't do that, Mr. Speaker." M'aiq piped up while the mage gave a small, shaky laugh.

"Yes, aren't we supposed to be on the same side?"

"M'aiq needs an original character present to summon the Anti-Sue."

"And here I thought-what?" Blanche's eyes narrowed immediately and she looked far more confident in her ability to disintegrate someone when she glared at the worn-and-torn looking Khajiit.

Lachance smiled pleasantly, his eyes like those of a cobra preparing to strike. "You were saying?"

"It is one of the vital ingredients for the ritual…" M'aiq continued, but no one was really paying attention.

Well, Blanche was, but only to the fact that she was needed for a ritual. "Try something funny and you'll learn why they say there's more than one way to skin a cat." she threatened immediately, forgetting about her own possible impending doom.

M'aiq, knowing of his own chances, shook his head. He had superior running abilities – he was a lover, not a fighter. "No, no, the presence of an OC is more than enough. Besides, M'aiq didn't get the chance to say that this is a three-man ritual. M'aiq cannot do this alone."

Lucien's hands balled into fists just for a moment. A bit of killing would have lightened his mood considerably, but he supposed he'd regret stabbing Blanche later on. "I guess that justifies your presence… and your existence." At least in this fanfic, he mused. He was conveniently forgetting the fact that he had summoned her in the first place – fortunately, she had forgotten as well, it seemed, only giving a forced smile upon rolling her eyes.

"Charming as ever." Blanche folded her arms, leaning against the nearest wall. "You haven't changed at all, have you?"

"You're the one who has to undergo character development." He had a valid point in that, actually. "I'm an NPC in the canon world. I have a scripted way of acting."

This was actually one of the ways to write a good scene, their Khajiit observer mused. They had the backgrounds, the setting, the plausible storyline… however, despite liking Blanche and tolerating the existence of a fellow NPC, he really didn't have the nerve to watch this scene develop in the way every cliché couple-forced-together-by-circumstances would.

"M'aiq can go play solitaire and listen to My Fair Lady if Breton Mage-Girl and Grouchy Assassin need time alone." he suggested, interrupting their glaring contest. Lachance was winning, so he was the sulkier about it. "Everything else seems to be prepared for them, anyway."

Truthfully enough, a red salon seemed to have appeared out of nowhere, replacing the rather Spartan bedroom Lachance recognized as his own. A king-sized double-bed with hearts and silken red linen, with rose petals scattered over it, obscene-looking quasi-classical statues, a puffy carpet and sickeningly adorable curtains. Plus, a full set of plushies on a nearby chair. It all looked like a bedroom of the chief whore from a very cheap and bad brothel. Well, maybe not cheap. Some of that lingerie on the nearby clothing hanger looked rather expensive.

Blanche wasn't even able to imagine what most of those things might be for. Well, she _could_, but not without blushing most painfully. It was too… kitchy and even camp to be true.

Lachance, on the other hand, looked ready to murder someone with the coldness in his face. "What in Oblivion is that?" he asked, his voice frostier than an ice spell.

"The setup for the Inevitable Sex Scene, I'm guessing." Blanche murmured, upon recovering from her momentary embarrassment. Even though she had never had _those_ kind of thoughts about Lachance, it was impossible not to with this kind of setup. It was just… _burnt into her brain_. She groaned.

"There will be _no_ sex scene." Lachance spat out each word, strictly like a dictator. "Especially not with that _creature_."

There was the sound of a flash from an ancient camera as M'aiq took a picture of the scene, with himself posing with a victory sign. However, his face was grim.

"Mary Sue getting stronger to be able to summon this into our world. We must start the ritual ASAP."

Judging by the way Lucien was seething, this was the perfect moment to change the topic, Blanche decided. Anything to get her mind away from the _horror. _"By the way, that was actually an impressive act. I can't believe you actually stalled the sex scene by getting her think there's an actual traitor in the Brotherhood."

Lachance scoffed with contempt. "Yeah, as if anyone with half a brain would believe such nonsense." Of course there was no traitor or anything . they simply needed time to set things up. Blanche gave a small laugh, which seemed to calm them both somewhat, as they knew that they were the ones in control.

Meanwhile, their Khajiit companion shook his head and turned on _Hello Dolly! _CD while flipping through the Great Script.

"M'aiq is beginning to think he should search for a different job."


	9. Double, double toil and trouble

The long-awaited update took this long purely because I had absolutely no inspiration for this fanfic, therefore I couldn't really see where it was going, even though I know how it ends. So, without further ado… here it is!

**o.O.o**

**Double, double toil and trouble**

**o.O.o**

If you thought Mary was an awesome heroine before, you should see her as a Silencer. Truly, her work was without a single flaw, how she used her trusty cheat codes and console to place herself directly next to her victim whenever she could. She also did the same with the Dead Drops; after all, time was wasting. Precious time that she could be spending as Lucien's wife.

Her ample bosom heaved with pleasure as she remembered the source of her joy with a heartfelt sigh and a gentle tremble of her fake eyelashes. Her mind was now becoming aware of the enormity of her decision – getting all the articles necessary for a grand wedding worthy of her would be most difficult. Then the guest list and finding a suitable place to hold the great ceremony…

Her life was filled with such hardship.

In any case, she immediately noticed the highly unsubtle changes in the nature of the dead drops with her Sherlock Holmes-esque magnifying glass. Actually, it was Mr. Fuzzems who noticed first, as the third parchment tasted rather differently from the first two – the bunny had a habit of eating the orders that weren't needed anymore – but it was _Mary_ who gasped prettily and made the ultimate connection.

It had to be the traitor!

Le gasp!

Of course, Mary was used to having people stalking her for various reasons, but this was one of the very few times when it was apparently coming in useful. Usually, stalkers were a nuisance, but this time, she was practically being handed a plot-point on a silver platter. Most of the time, even she had to work harder for things.

Therefore, it had to be a trick. This was far too simple to be anything but a trap.

Mary pondered the matter for a little while, her expression one of unending wisdom. This guy was far more than a simple villain – he knew her tactics and her way of thinking. Obviously, she needed help. And didn't darling Lukukins advise her that her Sanctuary-mates would always advise her in her time of need?

Thus she steered Shadowmere back to Cheydinhal while leaving Mr. Fuzzems to keep the traitor off her back while she deviated from her predestined course. It was the perfect diversion!

Mr. Fuzzems, for his part, decided to follow the storyline as pre-scripted. It was the simplest way to deal with things, in his opinion.

She was a bit bashful about returning to Lucien without having completed her task entirely, but such was life. She couldn't be perfect, after all. It was her single failing thus far.

In the meantime, while Mary had been out adventuring, the Oblivion crisis had progressed somewhat. Gates were opening throughout Cyrodiil and Bruma was already calling for aid from its sister cities. And as the Hero of Kvatch was merely a single person without the aid of teleportation or Sue-ism on their side, they were still only on their way to Anvil in terms of closing gates.

Thus Mary came upon the Cheydinhal gate, where a particularly grumpy and crafty bunch of guards was keeping the local Daedra at bay by fighting as cowardly as possible and reading bad poetry out loud.

Needless to say, Mary made quick work of the monsters with her trusty blow-dryer and, with a brilliant smile, marched up to what seemed to be the leader of the surviving Legion soldiers.

She cleared her crystal throat gently to make her presence known and spoke in a highly theatrical voice. "Pray tell me, what is happening here, good sir?"

The aging lieutenant, for his part, didn't really see the difference between the Daedra and this creature at first, but it spoke to him, so it had to be human… ish. Or something. Either way, it wasn't attacking, which meant it was likely on their side.

"This damned Oblivion gate opened a few hours ago, spouting Daedra all over the plains!" he grumbled. He, along with all the remaining soldiers were at least slightly wounded, sweating horribly in their heavy armor and almost unable to stand. Needless to say, they were protected from being enthralled with the ancient Powers of Su.

"No kidding… this thing is damned ugly, completely ruining the scenery!" Mary chirped, wrinkling her wrinkle-les nose at the obviously evil architecture of the gate, which was still spouting the scent of sulfur by the minute. "And those jagged rocks all around…sooo not right for this town."

The lieutenant rolled his eyes in the general direction of the gate. "Tell me about it!" he grumbled, "But worst of all, Count Indaris´ son Farwil and his bunch of would-be knights dashed right into the damned gate to close it!"

Mary gasped prettily at such bravery. "Oooh, sounds brave and scary!"

"You don't know the half of it! The only reason the so-called Knights of the Thorn know one end of the sword from the other is because they had accidentally pricked themselves! They'll get killed for sure and then…" the lieutenant shuddered – even entertaining such thoughts was horrid! "then we'll have to go in!"

Such a fate was doubtless worthy of pity. "How horrible it is to be a redshirt." the genre-savvy Mary sighed, trying to sympathize with their plight. Of course, she could die too, but only in an over-dramatic fashion when the plot required it. Redshirts died pretty much without as much as a moment's notice or concern.

"Yeah…" Now that he had a good luck at her, she seemed to be heavily armed… and reckless enough to be tricked into stupidity. And since Farwil and the others were doomed anyway, might as well blame it on someone else. "Unless of course, some random heroic adventurer decides to risk their life by charging recklessly into danger for the good of us all and close the Oblivion gate from the inside while keeping Farwil, a non-essential NPC known for dashing straight into danger without any combat ability, safe from harm and alive." he rambled very quickly, hoping that the half-baked plot would work.

"But if he's a non-essential NPC, what's the reason for saving him?" Mary quipped after thinking about it for a while. "I mean, besides the fact that I'm totally not supposed to be the Champion of Cyrodiil in this particular story but will get all the glory anyway."

Damn, damn, damn! "A nice leveled item from the Count and a warm fuzzy feeling of satisfaction?" the lieutenant suggested weakly, fully expecting a refusal now. perhaps she'd only laugh in his face for this. where were all the reckless idiots going under and alias of heroes when one needed them?!

However, Mary's fair face brightened up so much that it was painful to look into it. "Okay, I'll do it!"

And with that, she charged straight into the gate, leaving the dumbstruck soldiers there, with the lieutenant shaking his head and commenting on the situation with a single word once he recovered from his shock.

"Sucker."

**o.O.o**

The ritual apparently consisted of a highly-sophisticated procedure requiring many devices and ingredients. Amongst them were a voodoo doll quite distinctly resembling a Barbie, candles enough for a minor bonfire, various occult items, Skittles, rose-scented incense, snicks, snails and puppy dog tails. There were many other things that were simply beyond description in the pile.

Lucien was sulking in the corner, glaring whenever either of his companions brought forth another ingredient to add to the pile. Eventually, Blanche gave up and left things to the Khajiit while she tried to examine the remains of Mary's presence through magical means, though without much success. Apparently, the powers of Su were simply beyond even magical comprehension.

Finally, hours later, they got to the end of the item list. M'aiq brought the final piece needed and laid it out in front of the ingredient pile. It was an ouija board.

"Is that everything?" Lucien finally asked when the other two stopped running around the underground chamber and seemed to be ready for the ritual at long last.

Blanche wiped her forehead with the back of her right hand, mostly to get the stray hair out of her face. After hours of running around, all of them were looking somewhat worse for the wear. "I sure hope so – sing-song potion ingredients are a pain to get. You owe me for this."

The Speaker raised an eyebrow; he still remembered their interrupted glaring contest from the previous chapter with some venom. "You're still alive; that ought to be reward enough."

"M'aiq, how about it?" Blanche decided to be diplomatic about things by turning around to the Khajiit. It was probably all for the best. "Do we have all you need?"

The Khajiit, now seated in a rickety rocking chair that he had asked Blanche to conjure up for him (which she had done with some confusion and just a twitch of amusement), strategically moving his tail out of the way each time the chair moved in either way, nodded. He was also holding a book which looked rather like a cross between the Grimmerie and the Grimm Brother's Fairy Tales.

"M'aiq thinks so. All that is left is a piece of Mary Sue herself."

"Will this do?" Blanche held up one of the many pieces of embroidered lacy underwear from the red salon with a stick. She didn't really want to touch it herself, because it might contain some disease. Or, more likely, it would simply cause her to shudder by imagining the horrible sex-scene they had been expecting in the last chapter.

"Don't bring that revolting thing so close to me!" Lucien jumped out of the way when she accidentally swung the stick far too close to him to his liking.

With a shrug, she tossed the underwear next to the pile of ingredients and then plunged the stick into the pile of underwear, digging through it rather ungraciously. "Pick a color."

M'aiq pointed at the frilliest, most overdone of the undergarments in the pile.

"This should be Sue-like… Sue-ish…"

"Sue-tiful?" Blanche suggested, receiving two deadpan stares in return. "Nevermind." she mumbled.

"In any case, we should start the ritual before something gets in the way." Lachance suggested finally, though he refused to get up from his spot in the corner. This was best left to the pros. "Sues have a way of ruining plans."

Both others nodded and M'aiq finally took the lead in the strange ritual.

"Agreed. What do we do now."

**o.O.o**

Meanwhile, Mary was dusting her immaculate pink Xena the Warrior Princess outfit and observing the plane of Oblivion. It wasn't exactly the best scenery and she was forced to make her outfit crimson to match the background, but at least it was warm.

It actually reminded her of a sauna, where she might get a tan as well. there wasn't really any need for it, as her skin was as immaculate as ever, but it certainly would be a nice thing to have. Now if only she could find a good nail studio as well…

"Well, at least the door matches the décor here… though I still think the goth-punk style is sooo nineties." she noted with a shrug.

As there was no nail studio in sight, Mary decided that she might as well proceed with her heroic quest to save the knights from the Daedra and close the Oblivion gate. It was an overly long detour from her previous course, but she simply couldn't resist the call of those in need. It was in her nature.

She began her heroic descent down the mountain by bouncing around on a pogo-stick she had summoned especially for this purpose. It was actually kind of fun and in honor of Mr. Fuzzems, since there was no one else to jump around merrily, so much that she forgot to go into hero mode for a little while. So it was no surprise that she managed to pogo straight into a gang of clannfears, breaking the skull of their ringleader purely by accident. By the time she noticed that she ought not simply jump around anymore, a very un-heroic war-cry sounded from not too far away.

"Fear not, fair lady! We shall save you! Huzzah!"

And with that, the decidedly un-heroic Knights of the Thorn appeared, ready to ride to the maiden's rescue with dull swords that they waggled around rather pathetically, attempting flashy moves that seem to miss each of the clannfears. It helped, though, that most of them seemed to already have concussions due to Mary's excessive pogo-ing, and thus, after a few dozen swings, even Farwil Indaris had to hit at least one of his enemies.

The one other remaining Knight of the Thorn was rather disgruntled in the imitation of his lord, swinging his weapon only half-heartedly, especially considering the overly-enthusiastic berserker rage his companion was displaying.

After about ten minutes of arduous fighting, the clannfears and a stray scamp (who had only come down to play tag and hopscotch) were no more and Farwil struck a very corny victory pose while sheathing his blade clumsily.

Surprisingly, Mary clapped enthusiastically. "Wow, that was actually high on the coolness scale!" Plus, the Dunmer was rather cute, despite the fact that she was engaged. She could still notice these things, no? "Who are you guys?"

The Dunmer gave an exaggerated bow, obviously very eager to make an introduction now that he had an enthusiastic audience. "We, dear lady, are the Knights of the Thorn, sworn to protect the weak and the innocent… young ladies such as yourself definitely qualify." he said, kissing her hand very theatrically. "We have journeyed deep into the bowels of Oblivion to drive back the beastly beasts that have invaded our fair city! Might I ask what brings you into this beastly realm?"

Mary shrugged – she didn't know herself. The leveled items were nice, but she rather thought she was being too nice this time. "They said I'd get cookies if I do this sidequest. Besides, that gate is plain ugly."

"You share our quest, then!" Farwil seemed to instantly perk up, bowing again and speaking the moment his comrade seemed to wish to object. "Would you do us the honor of joining our crusade, milady? You seem to be an adventurer of merit and we couldn't leave such a beautiful lady in distress anyway…"

The Sue scratched her chin thoughtfully, reminiscent of a wise sage. "Hmm… well, since Mr. Fuzzems is on a mission now, I kinda do need sidekicks… and I think I like the way you think."

"Then you'll join us?"

With a mischievous grin, she nodded easily. "Sure, why not?"

**o.O.o**

As the proceedings of the ritual to summon the Anti Sue are copyrighted to her offices, the author cannot give any details to its contents here. However, the results quite made up for everything that the readers are forced to miss out on.

"I was in the middle of a Black Bow Bandit hunt, ya know." Their summoned avatar of the Anti Sue grumbled, folding her arms in a quite disgruntled manner. She rather objected to sudden teleportation when she was in the middle of bandit-hunting and so close to getting to their encampment.

Blanche gave the Orc a tight smile. She didn't volunteer for this task, but since M'aiq possessed a cheeky wit that wasn't very friendly and Lucien was downright intimidating, explaining the situation before their armored and axe-wielding guest got out of control fell to her by default. "We apologize for this, but this is a matter of some urgency."

"All right, all right, I get what you want me to do… but you know, it's kind of weird that you'd ask me." The explanation offered was rather loony, but then again, so was the combination of a Khajiit going through an ancient-looking book that seemed ready to fall apart, a Breton witch who would clearly prefer to be elsewhere right now and an assassin of the Dark Brotherhood.

In short, after seeing this, Mazoga was more inclined to believe the bizarre tale the mage had recounted to her.

"Why not?" Blanche challenged, shrugging. "You're a knight, aren't you? Of the… White Stallion, I believe, is the order in Leyawiin." They had gone through introductions as well, after Mazoga had been persuaded that she was indeed outnumbered now. besides, the Khajiit was muttering something about a fishy stick. The Orc was a bit edgy because of that.

"Yeah, but that means I just hafta obey assignments from my lord, Count Caro. But anyway, my point is that arranging a hit is more within Dark Brotherhood territory than knight business."

"Oh, we tried, believe me." Lachance, who had been leaning against the wall in his usual ominous manner, assured her readily. "Even if we sent every member after the creature, I believe she'd come out on top."

Mazoga couldn't help feeling intrigued. This sounded like a challenge worthy of a knight! "That's serious then. What makes you think I can take her, though?"

"Well, the ritual summoned you, didn't it?" the Speaker noted off-handedly, though there wasn't much conviction in his voice anymore. Perhaps he was inwardly starting to succumb to some degree of despair, though he did a good job of hiding it. "It's insane and random enough to be proof enough for me."

"Besides, you certainly look like an Anti-Sue to me." Blanche added in an attempt at encouragement.

"And what's that supposed to mean?!" One which was completely misplaced.

However, the Breton didn't lose her composure and began counting the facts on her fingers, to better demonstrate her point. "Well, your hair doesn't change color every minute or so, your eyes aren't sparkling or anything of the sort, according to what you told me, your quest took years and, well, you don't act all cutesy or faux-noble, so I think we're clear on the matter."

Mazoga glared, though the defeat in the gesture was enough to take away the fright anyone might have felt because of that. "You're either very nice or very cheeky, lady. Be glad I can't decide which it is right now."

"Enough of this." Lucien stepped in once again, glaring hard at the Orc. He didn't really think she could take Mary, but he was prepared to try this. "The creature is a threat not only to us but the whole of Cyrodiil. As a knight, this should fall under your duties. Sooner or later, you'd be obliged to hunt her down."

"You know, speaking of duties, you'd definitely be on the wanted list…"

"Mary Sue is enough of a menace for everyone in Tamriel to unite against her." Blanche jumped in before Mazoga could remember the highly sharp axe she still had with her. "That comes before all else."

The Orc scoffed, folding her arms. "So you want me to hunt her down and kill her?"

"M'aiq doesn't think Mary Sue can be killed, not even by an Anti Sue." The Khajiit finally closed his book, glancing at them all, one after the other. "Mary should be driven back into the Seas of Bad Fanfiction, away from this realm. M'aiq doesn't think anyone can do more."

"So what do we do?"

"Let's continue with the traitor hoax." Lachance decided, looking back at Blanche. "You know what happens if a Listener is killed, right?"

That didn't seem like the best of plans to the Breton, though, who gave a rather anxious look. "The Night Mother won't take offense to that?"

There were exceptions to every rule. There had to be, Lachance reasoned. "I believe she'll forgive this single transgression. I'll try to organize this with the others; you go find and corner her."

"No, no, no, no; you go find her." Blanche immediately objected. If she could help it, she didn't want to meet that damned creature ever again in her lifetime. "_I'll_ find the rest of the Black Hand; you go get Mary Sue – Mazoga can go with you as insurance." There was a long silence while Lachance glowered at her murderously, but this time, Blanche was determined not to be swayed. "Well, aren't you her _true love_ and all that?" she challenged.

There was another long silence, during which Lachance tried to find some kind of loophole in this reasoning.

"I hate it when you have a point." he conceded finally, completely disgruntled.

Blanche stuck out her tongue rather immaturely, due to pure relief. "I know."

"I'm beginning to think Tamriel would be a better place without you people as well." Mazoga muttered, but no one listened to her.


	10. ACME or A Cool Mary adventurE

As it was my birthday a few days ago and I flew home for the occasion, I haven't had time to write too many chapters for any story, but then I got inspiration for this particular chapter. It's multi-POV this time and quite fast paced, beginning to wrap up the entire story. I expect two or three more chapters at the most before this one gets finished.

W00t!

**o.O.o**

**ACME or A Cool Mary adventurE**

**o.O.o**

Meanwhile, after totally kicking Daedra butt in Oblivion, Mary and the Knights of the Thorn returned to Tamriel, having easily located the Sigil Stone and sealed off the gate, no problem. After all, the tasteless décor of the towers they had to trek through meant that there was absolutely no reason to stay there.

She wasn't much into those S&M motives in her current phase. After all, she was just trying to be sweet and pure and overcome all obstacles on the path towards True Wuv.

Nevertheless, there were moments when one just had to stop and admire one's own badassitude. This being one of those moments.

"That was, like, soooooo cool!" Mary whooped when the fire and brimstone behind them vanished into nothingness, punching the air triumphantly, her platinum hair with purple highlights darkening when a cloud of ash whooshed past them, somehow leaving her completely clean.

Life just wasn't fair that way.

However, Farwil, more than skilled in the art of hiding behind others when necessary, managed to easily avoid that by stepping to the side just so that his attendant was the one who ended up with a face full of ash.

"Why thank you, milady!" the Dunmer bowed in an exaggerated manner, his all-too-white teeth providing an unnerving sparkle against his dark skin. "A compliment from a beautiful woman is most valuable to a knight!

"You have to teach me those amazing feints!" Mary insisted, bouncing around. Her colorful clothing had scared off a lot of the Daedra, but… "I mean, those burnt guys totally thought you were a goner and then, POW! Well, I did the ass-kicking and you did the feinting, but it worked well together!

"Indeed! As if we were designed for each other, almost." The maiden was indeed powerful and brave as well… through the powers of the plot and – let's face it – his own inner Leeroy Jenkins, Farwil was actually considering honoring Mary with a date. "You must come and receive a reward from my father, Count Indarys. Also, I believe the bravery and skill you have displayed during our battles is enough for me to name you an honorary member of our order, the Knights of the Thorn!"

Mary gasped prettily. So many secret societies were inviting her into their clubs now… of course, the reason for that was obvious, since she was so perfect, but it was still great!

"Ooooooh, that sounds nifty! Besides, statistically speaking, society names containing "of" or "and" attract many more members than those without them!" she commented wisely. After all, Mary was smart as well as pretty, though she didn't often get a chance to display much more than her street smarts. Needless to say, she was book-smart as well!

Duh!

Farwil was obviously fascinated. Everyone else, less so. "I had no idea! You have to tell me more about all this! Come with us; I will bring you to my father and you can tell me more about the ways of coolness!" Coolness was something that was in eternal motion. Coolness needed to be studied one's whole life. Its ever-changing aspects… you get the idea. "And maybe then we could get dinner or something…

Mary bit her lip prettily. She was supposed to be getting ready for marriage… but she supposed an innocent date wouldn't matter much at this point. "Well, I'm actually on this big quest I can't tell anyone right now, but proper nutrition is very important, kiddies! So what the heck?" she shrugged. "Sure!

**o.O.o**

As for the residents of the Cheydinhal Sanctuary, they weren't quite yet out of this story.

Thanks to the clever diversion and the assumption that it was cooties that had wiped them out, they were now relatively safe from Mary. They still had to keep watch for her, just in case, but their current task was somewhat more important.

The second letter had detailed that.

"Is that everything?" Ocheeva asked after the pile of books and old parchments was dropped onto the makeshift desk they had in the tavern. Since the current reality was becoming warped due to the presence of a Mary Sue, so there was almost no point in concealing even their allegiances.

"Seems so." Teinaava noted, brushing away sweat from his forehead. He and Gogron – now back to normal and not remembering anything from his infatuation with Mr. Fuzzems – were the ones who had to gather all these things. However, success kept evading them. "There's no map in existence showing where these Seas of Bad Fanfiction are supposed to be. "

"Then how are we going to fulfill these conditions?" Ocheeva despaired, reading through the letter Blanche had brought them a few chapters back once again.

"Watch out!" Telaendril yelped out as the assassins all promptly hid behind the curtains and underneath the table.

Just in time as well – outside, Mary and the Knights of the Thorn were returning into the city with sickeningly triumphant expressions. At least, Mary and Farwil were. The latter, though, was beginning to look somewhat lovesick as well, like any male exposed to the awesomeness of Mary Sue for a longer period of time had to.

It was a terrifying sight.

"Dear Sithis, that's practically grounds for the destruction of the universe." Vicente murmured, actually cringing and hiding behind a map when it appeared that Mary was going to look in their direction.

"This has to be stopped before she remembers…"

"DUCK!" Antoinetta Marie tackled Telaendril just in time. She was quicker than before, after all, refusing to revert into her cheerleader incarnation ever again if she could help it.

As the plotline required it, their evasive maneuvers proved successful this time, though only barely. After all, Mary was just that awesome. The awesomesauce running in her veins made her almost notice them, but all it caused was for a tragically thoughtful expression to surface on her countenance, giving her the appearance of a constipated soap opera heroine.

"What is it, dearest Mary?" Farwil asked, noticing her peril.

Not wanting to alert anyone to her super-heightened-paranoia awareness, Mary put on her usual imitation of an airhead smile so perfect, it actually wasn't an imitation. "Oh, nothing, I just thought I saw some dead people, but this is the wrong fanfiction for that."

In the inn, several assassins (now looked upon a bit strangely by the others despite the disguises they were wearing) sighed visibly and sweatdropped, anime-style. None of them ever thought they'd see the day, but all agreed with Teinaava's hit-the-mark comment.

"Thank goodness for plot-induced stupidity."

**o.O.o**

The problem with finding the Black Hand was that the only member of it Blanche knew was Lucien. That was putting a bit of a damper on things, but she wasn't about to come back to Lachance empty-handed, partly because admitting one's own mistake wasn't something she liked doing, but mostly because she really didn't want to go search for Mary.

In any case, she assumed that, as she was now one of the major characters of the fanfic, the information would somehow get to her. The plot couldn't progress otherwise.

This was how she accidentally came upon the scene of the final assassination in Bravil. Now, Blanche had no way of knowing who the Listener was, but she had heard that he had some leprechaun blood from one side of his family and the epic battle in which Ungolim managed to hold Mr. Fuzzems at bay with shamrocks and fake gold coins. However, the former was gulped down by the bunny and the latter got evaded.

The really bad Irish pub singing almost managed to paralyze the Silencer, but in the end, when Ungolim thought he had won, the bunny launched a surprise attack in the form of Easter-bunny eggs that hit all the vital points and finally ended the leprechaun's reign of evil.

Upon seeing the destruction the battle had brought upon the town and the two major X-es in the dead Listener's eyes, there was only one thing anyone – Blanche including – could say.

"Damn, that's not good."

She carefully approached the bunny, who was still munching on the shamrocks sprouting around the leprechaun. It was doubtlessly as dangerous as Mary herself, if she had chosen it as her companion, so she had to be vigilant.

Of course, it had to be just then that one of her least favorite members of the Dark Brotherhood popped up practically out of nowhere behind her.

"Cousin, what are you doing here?"

Blanche jumped and smiled nervously. She hated when they did that.

"Arquen, hi!" She observed the carnage, the dead Listener and the bunny that was now carefully testing if the top of her boot was edible as well "Ah, I have no idea what happened there, I was just coming to see if I could find someone from the Black Hand…"

"I'm Black Hand now." Arquen squinted suspiciously. She had always been the odd one getting all the weirdoes. No one Blanche knew liked the Altmer, not least of all because her rather… specific… tastes in food. "Did Lachance send you?"

As she was mostly involved with his branch of the family, there was little chance of getting out of that one.

"Eh… kind of?" she tried.

The Altmer squinted even harder, obviously struggling to appear threatening and yet serious. The effect was thoroughly neutralized by the ridiculousness of it. "You do realize that we're onto him by now?"

"What do you mean?"

"Don't play dumb; only somewhat as fangirl-beset as him would have a bunny for a Silencer!" Arquen said, pointing at Mr. Fuzzems triumphantly. as if her logic was flawless, really.

"That's rich coming from the entrail-eating psycho elf." Blanche muttered, folding her arms. Unfortunately, that appeared to be proof enough of the conspiracy for Arquen.

"I always knew you two were in cahoots!" she shrieked, pointing forth an accusing finger. "You're obviously another badly written love interest!"

To that, Blanche took great offense (after a minute, once she understood what it meant, as it made no sense at all). "_What_?"

"Never trust an OC! Especially when there are fluffy animals around!" But by then, Arquen was yelling like a revolutionary hunting witches and drawing quite a lot of attention to herself, Black Hand robes notwithstanding.

She reached for her weapon, which ended up being a very large and barely realistic mallet that appeared in her hands in a cartoonish manner and charged, weapon raised high. Blanche blinked once, twice and knocked her out with a relatively simple spell to the head.

It worked.

She glanced down at Mr. Fuzzems, who didn't seem to be paying them any attention. Gently, she picked the bunny up and turned it towards her. aside from being upset die to the loss of shamrocks to munch on, Mr. Fuzzems made no protest.

"Hey, Fluffy, just what in Oblivion are you doing? Huh?" The bunny was chewing on the latest orders it had picked up, instructing it to go to Anvil for further orders. Blanche read through them, cringing at the flowery purple prose and the trouble they were in now. "Damn. This is… well, this sucks. Where's your mistress?" The bunny didn't answer, which was answer enough. Blanche made her choice. "All right, Mr. Bun, you're coming with me now."

**o.O.o**

With the mystical powers of Mr. Fuzzems on her side, Blanche managed to find Lucien and Mazoga rather quickly. Apparently, the bunny could warp reality relatively easily when it suited him. Getting from Bravil to somewhere between Bruma and Skingrad was impossible without such powers.

"Lucien! Trouble! Big trouble! Major trouble!"

"Weren't you supposed to be looking for the rest of the Black Hand?" Mazoga simply didn't understand how someone could simply grunt in a relatively dignified and bored manner when a flying My Little Pony shapeshifted back into a bunny that sat down on its rider's shoulder and began chewing on her sleeve.

These people were too weird for her.

"There's no further need for that – they're coming here!" Blanche looked around a bit frantically, hoping that the Great Plot wasn't yet acting against them. She had gone through Arquen's pockets before deserting her and it revealed rather disturbing things.

"What?" Lachance frowned, nudging Shadowmere to stop. "Why?"

"Apparently, there's an actual traitor in the Brotherhood! Your dead drops got switched… half the Black Hand got killed… by that… thing!"

"Say _what?_" Mazoga actually almost cringed. Now _that_ was a menacing tone if she ever heard one.

"Just what in Oblivion is going on here?!" she asked, but it was too late.

The trees began to shake and a herd of wild animals stomped by. And, after all that, five figures, dressed completely in Black, all carrying cartoonish weapons with the ACME logo on them, charging in a dead sprint towards them, with one word echoing in a terribly cliché chorus.

"BANZAI!!!!!!!!!!"

"That's very reckless of them…" Lachance commented once he managed to get over the very weirdness of the image.

"Why isn't anyone lynching them?!" Blanche decided that this was a very good moment to make a getaway, but couldn't bring herself to move.

"This calls for an equally subtle strategy." The Speaker commented.

"That being?" Mazoga, drawing her weapon, asked.

"Run away!" And, before the Orc could react, Lachance grabbed Blanche by the collar of her robe and pulled her up on the horse – partly because he didn't want her to get killed, but mostly because he assumed that having Mr. Fuzzems with him would ensure his survival – and Shadowmere was galloping away.

The Orc, considering her chances, followed suit.

What followed was a highly comical chase that had to be cut from this fanfic due to lack of time. Suffice to say that the heroes managed to lose the Black Hand through the subtle technique of riding in circles.

Naturally, Mazoga arrived to the hiding spot much later, after Lachance and Blanche had already dismounted, shared information and had something to eat.

"You… you idiots! You…made me… run…" The Anti-Sue panted, trying to catch her breath.

"Well Shadowmere wouldn't have been able to carry three people." Blanche wasn't trying to apologize, just to rationalize the escape. "Besides, the spikes wouldn't be comfortable for either party."

"What… the hell… was that?"

"I'd be more concerned with the fluffball you picked up." Mr. Fuzzems had given up on the robe Blanche was wearing and decided to try his luck with Lachance's. it was thoroughly irritating the Speaker, but he knew better than to try and stop the creature. "Where did you find it?"

"Apparently, this is your new Silencer." Blanche said seriously and showed him the papers she had filched.

"What? Where's the creature?" he couldn't even bring himself to say her name anymore, lest it summon her. "Is this a shapeshifting trick?"

"No, it's her pet. He doesn't know where she went."

"You can talk to animals?" Mazoga deadpanned, finally having recovered from her fatigue.

"No, but he's a major character. Someone has to understand his communication method."

Her companions decided not to comment on that.

"Fine. What do we do now?"

"With the Black Hand chasing us-"

"Chasing _you_." Mazoga countered. "I didn't sign up for this."

"They saw you with us. They'll consider you the enemy now." It was annoying when someone was being reasonable about unreasonable things.

"As I was saying, we need to deal with this problem before going in search of the creature." Lucien continued, folding his arms. They needed a plan now, if they were ever to deal with these disasters that kept following them.

"Do we have to?"

"Mary Sues never vanish from stories they consider theirs. She would show up sooner or later." Blanche pointed out again, though this time, she had the presence of mind to appear rather upset about it.

"_Fine_. Anyway, we're going to Anvil to sort out the mess and _then_ search for her."

"I think she'll find us before that happens."

Lachance was quite certain that the ominous thunder in the distance wasn't just for dramatic purposes.

**o.O.o**

Far away in Cheydinhal Castle, Mary stood up from the dinner table abruptly, feeling the ominous ominousness of doom pass through the air. Something was up, she knew.

"What is it, my dear?" Farwil asked, seeing her sudden statuesque distress.

"My Sue Sense is tingling." Mary announced dramatically. "Mr. Fuzzems is near a plot point, I believe! I must be off!"

"But we didn't go to the amusement park or get cotton candy – you can't have a proper high school date without that!" The Dunmer pouted childishly. He had a point, of course, and Mary could admit as much.

She was a born heartbreaker.

"Oh, don't worry about that." she said, brushing her crimson curls away from her face. "I actually had fun today, even though it meant getting a bit sidetracked from my starring role. But alas, the plot is calling me. I just can't help being the focus of attention."

Farwil nodded fervently. "I completely understand that – it's my predicament as well. I do hope you'll stop by when you're in Cheydinhal next, though." he noted, kissing Mary's pale (but prettily, not deathly or sickly) hand.

"Definitely!" Mary smiled blindingly. "Once the main plot is finished, we totally have to hang out."

And with that, the main plotline was restored.


	11. The End of the Craziness… we hope

The final chapter is here! Read and review, please! Warning: mini-spoilers for White and Black, my other Oblivion story starring Blanche, but only small ones that will not, in any way, affect your reading pleasure!

**o.O.o**

**The ****End of the Craziness… we hope **

**o.O.o**

For purposes of his own, M'aiq had abstained from taking part in the previous chapter, but apparently almost got arrested for torturing the wildlife in the Skingrad zoo and decided that if he had to choose between helping the Hero of Kvatch by giving cryptic snarky hints and sticking with now-plot-relevant characters, the latter was definitely the way to go. Since the zoo was now unavailable, of course.

In any case, our four secondary heroes---

…

No, no, wait, really. Not even a Mary Sue writing author could possibly consider any of those four – er, five, counting Mr. Fuzzems – heroes, right? Ragtag bunch of misfits isn't really accurate, so… eh, an Orc knight, a Khajiit Mary Sue Hunter, a Breton mage OC and a fan-idolized Imperial assassin walk into a bar…

This description really isn't going well, is it?

Well, whatever they could be called together, they all made their way to the one place where they should be relatively safe; that being the square in Bravil where the Lucky Old Lady statue stood. For those of you who haven't gotten this far in the game, here be _teh spoilarz!!! _

Notice how wonderfully this fanfic avoids a certain heart-wrenching, soul-splitting _terrible _occurrence of DOOM from ever occ—happening!

Sniff sniff.

Oh, and somewhere along the way, the Black Hand and Mary met up and she got made Speaker in Lucien's place, not listening to the part where they explained that they were actually out to kill Lucien. She was only excited about the fact that she would meet him again, now of the same rank as him, which made things much easier on both of them.

"Must we really do this?" Blanche muttered as they watched the Black Hand perform the ritual that would open the doorway to the underground crypt. They were hidden behind plastic bushes that M'aiq apparently carried around in his Sue Busters kit and thus practically lying on the ground, much to the confusion and mild amusement of some onlookers going home from the local pub.

"In a small space, even _she_ should be slaughtered easily." Mazoga shot back, determined to meet this challenge. After all, she wasn't going to be outclassed by some teenaged twit from a different universe. She was now rested, had her new Daedric armor on and an axe at the ready.

"No, I mean, can't we just wait till they go in and burry them inside? I bet I could get the temple and nearby houses to cave in just fine…"

"Never assume someone is dead until you stab the body several times." Lachance hissed as he pushed Blanche's blonde head down when it seemed that one of the black-clad figures was looking their way. There was a mad glint dancing in his eyes, so no one dared disagree with him now.

"Mary Sue will never die." M'aiq suggested, a little less cheerfully than usual. He was flipping through a few manuals on banishment of evil, finding Mary Sue right between Satan and the Teletubbies. Out of the foursome, he was the only one who appeared truly unarmed. "M'aiq wouldn't set eyes towards an impossible goal, if he were Love Interest-worthy. A little peace might be the best we can hope for."

"They're in." Mazoga noted readily before either Lachance of Blanche could in any way disrupt their shaky stealth. "We should get going, so that they don't have too much of a head start and get them in the confusion!" She sprang to her feet and marched on, heavy armor clanking.

"We don't have any proof of a traitor, nor do we know which of them it is!" Blanche hissed as Lachance grabbed her by the arm and dragged her towards the trapdoor when she refused to budge from her hiding spot. "Besides, we don't even know where the Seas of Bad Fanfiction might be!"

"Too late now." M'aiq, who was bringing up the rear, muttered. Mr. Fuzzems, who had relocated to his shoulder, simply continued munching on his robe.

Downstairs, the epic final confrontation of the Dark Brotherhood quest had scarcely begun when our anti-villains burst in, ready to have a showdown of Anti Sue vs. Mary Sue that would surely go down in the history of fanfiction as a grand struggle between the forces of good and evil.

However, as they barged in just as Arquen was about to begin her over-dramatic begging to the Night Mother, they rather ruined the mood. Especially when Mary (looking faaaaantaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaabulous in her wonderfully midnight-colored silk and lace Black Hand outfit which somehow involved bordello lingerie and made her look like an escapee from a crossover of Catwoman and Moulin Rouge) noticed who was among them.

"Lucien!" she gasped prettily.

In clear terror, Lachance ducked behind the mage he had been pushing down the rickety staircase. "_You!"_

"Mazoga!" Blanche's eyes bulged and she made frantic hand-motions to notify the Orc that _now_ sounded like a nice time to slay the beast.

"Blanche!" Bellamont, who had an entirely unrequited crush on the mage, exclaimed, glaring daggers at Lachance, who was still holding her in front of himself as a shield.

"Lucien!" Blanche fidgeted, trying to pry her wrists from the grip of steel around them, in vain.

"Cousin?" the other two Speakers – the author couldn't be bothered to look up their names – asked, puzzled.

"Lachance!" Arquen screeched, brandishing her fork and butter knife and ready to jump and get herself some liver.

"Arquen!" Lachance strategically relocated himself and his human shield behind the axe-wielding Mazoga.

"Lizzy!" Mary waved at Blanche pleasantly, a bit puzzled as to why Lulukins would choose to hide behind her, of all people, since she was the skinniest of them. She also didn't get why the other girl didn't wave back and instead tried to kick Lachance from her awkward position.

"Mary!" Farwil Indaris waved from the top of the stairs to the heroin(e) of the story.

"Farwil?" Mary blinked, for once completely unaware how her newest fanboy had arrived here.

"Farwil?!" Most everyone else exclaimed, for different reasons. The scene was beginning to lose any semblance of sense it might have had before.

"Mazoga!" Lucien and Blanche managed to bark out at the same time, to no avail, as the Orc seemed to be staring at something else.

That something else cleared its ghostly throat and thus silenced all of the confusion… temporarily.

"That is quite enough." the Night Mother said, looking distinctly unamused by the proceedings. "You can resolve your romantic octagons in your own time. Now, why are you lot invading my tomb?" she demanded, folding her spectral arms. "Especially you people, who have absolutely no cause to be here." That apparently involved most of the newly-arrived party, Farwil included.

"Oh, most honored Night Mother, unholy matron…" Arquen began her rehearsed speech with newfound gusto, clumsily hiding her cutlery in her sleeves. However, the specter raised her hand imperiously towards the elf.

"Save the sucking up for someone who cares, you're not getting extra invites to the Christmas party." Arquen promptly shut up, but continued to sulk and glare daggers at Lachance and Blanche, one after the other.

Despite her still-stiff position, Blanche blinked and turned to Lachance quizzically. "We have a Christmas party?"

"Ungolim." The Speaker noted laconically, with an eyeroll added for good measure.

"Ah."

Unfortunately, their rather pleasant conversation was interrupted by a gasp, followed by a badly-suppressed squee. Out of all the characters in the room, only one had this down to perfection, but I'll let you guess which one it was. Hint: check the next line.

"Oh, Lucien, I never knew!" Mary gushed out, rather pink in the face. Her hood had long-since fallen, since it wasn't doing good things to her ebony-and-sienna-highlighted-hair.

"What in Oblivion is she talking about?" Mazoga, who was eying her opponent rather warily, whispered to Blanche. The Breton shrugged helplessly, feeling the strong grip on her wrists move to her forearms, to better hold her in place. Her only hope right now was that Mary wouldn't try and hurl herself at her beau, otherwise she would be the one getting crushed.

"To think that I spoiled the surprise like this! I feel so horrible! Oh, woe is me!"

"Is it time for more pointless melodrama?" Farwil asked happily. "Pick me! I can do melodrama!"

"M'aiq thinks she's just speeding things up, actually." the Khajiit noted, studying a book on the final stages of Sue-dominated fanfics. She had skipped the angsting, the lovelorn phase, the uncertainty, and gone straight to…

"To think you began a wedding rehearsal knowing I would show up! How wonderful!"

"_What_?"

… the delusions of the happily-ever-after.

"But we need more bridesmaids!" Mary cooed, clapping her hands prettily and waving a sparkly wand.

With a poofing sound and a flash of glitter, all the females in the crypt were wearing regency-style dresses of an actually somewhat not entirely distasteful shade of pink with lots of art-nouveau flowers stylized in their hair. The effect was that Arquen looked as if she was that Pokemon that had flowers instead of a head and promptly began tearing down the offending articles with an owl-like screech, Mazoga appeared to be in a state of shock that armor could be rendered pink and the Night Mother looked ready to slaughter them all, despite the fact that her gown was mercifully colorless. The only one who didn't seem to be freaking out in any way was Blanche; not that she could have freaked out if she wanted to, since Lachance was restricting her movement rather effectively. Also, she was the only one who had willingly worn a dress on occasion, so she wasn't… entirely… freaked out by this occurrence. Or it could be the fact that she had resigned herself to this insanity by then.

Whichever soothes your mind.

Mary paid them no heed.

"And obviously we can't have a wedding underground, think of what that would do to the flowers!"

"I think the nightshade is doing relatively well here." Lachance murmured, glancing fondly at the collection of the aforementioned flowers, gory-looking potions and human skulls and other unpleasant things on the nearby grave. He actually liked it down here. Having a mobile human shield wasn't too bad either.

"Mary my lady! Surely you do not intend to marry this… this… person?!" Farwil Indaris spluttered, gesturing in Lachance's general direction, though his eyes were firmly on Mary herself. It seemed, from one angle, that he was suggesting that Mary was going to marry Blanche… or Mazoga. Fortunately, Mary was too perfect to be involved in a yuri fic without any foreshadowing, thus the point was null and void.

Pearly tears sprang to Mary's eyes. By a fortunate coincidence, they served to trip Arquen, who had just launched herself forward in an attempt to skewer Blanche with her fork and hopefully get a bit of Lachance as well.

"I never meant to break your heart, Farwil sweetie!" Delicately, Mary put her hand to her forehead, sighing in a very heartfelt manner. "Alas, yes! I'm not tragic; I was just written that way!"

The pearls also made Lachance yank Blanche away from harm's way – mostly due to self-preservation – and the momentary lack of balance allowed the mage to wrestle her arms free. Immediately, she made a beeline for M'aiq, while Lachance cursed her under his breath and made a move to duck behind the now-almost-recovered Mazoga.

"M'aiq! Where have— Where did you get that?!" Blanche yelped, avoiding the rather large DOOMsday clock M'aiq had now placed near one of the coffins and looking at the gadgets he was getting out. they made no sense, least of all the book through which he began flipping again.

"Is that the priest?" Mary chirped happily, spotting the Khajiit and his book. It seemed that the wedding was making good progress! "Oh, Lulukins, you shouldn't have!" she cooed, looking around for Lachance while Farwil began ranting about his unworthyness and attempted to descend down the stairs while at the same time unsheathe his sword.

"M'aiq was worried this might happen." the Khajiit told Blanche as Mr. Fuzzems hopped off to survey the mayhem. Lachance promptly seized the bunny and proceeded to threaten Farwil with it. "Mary Sue has managed to mess up the canon continuity to the point that a main plotline from our universe got aborted."

"But she was gone for a while now!" Blanche objected, trying to dust her rose-colored dress of the glitter that never went away and now was getting all over the book. "What did she do?"

"I object to this union! It is far too vulgar to proceed! The lady Mary mustn't be united with someone with such a poor fashion sense! Only battle can decide this!"

"But Farwil, he invited his mom here! He loves me! Even Mr. Fuzzems likes this!"

The bunny said nothing, but Lachance was damned if he was going to release the Rabbit of DOOM and sidekickdom for nothing less than total Mary Sue immunity.

"Unhand the rabbit, cur!"

"Clearly you've never seen the Monthy Python movies if you believe threatening someone with a harmless rabbit on their side is a wise course of action, Dunmer." Lachance quipped, hiding quite effectively behind the armor-clad Orc.

"See! Lulukins loves me! You mustn't fight over this!"

"With her ability to promote a character to her love interest, Mary Sue managed to avert a scripted death." M'aiq explained, getting the Oblivion script from his backpack and showing Blanche the events it foretold.

"So…the Black Hand was supposed to catch up with us, right?" Blanche happily ignored the fact that she wasn't included in the script; as far as she knew, her storyline didn't affect it this way. "But because of her…" A terrible thought came to her and her face went chalk-white, just as her nickname would suggest. "Love interests can't die off-screen. They can't die unless…"

"Unless it's a drawn-out fight-slash-jealousy scene at the end where they sacrifice themselves for their supposed One True Love." M'aiq nodded just as the epic battle of Who Can Hide Behind Their Human Shield Better began. Well, Lachance was hiding and Farwil was having trouble sidestepping Mary and her cries. "Breton Girl is rather genre-savvy. M'aiq applauds that."

Mary Poppins, Mary's mom, had appeared in the room somehow and was giving her dearest perfect daughter advice about what song to use to reconcile everyone and lead them to world peace. She disappeared shortly afterwards without any relevance to the plot whatsoever.

"This isn't the way things are supposed to go!" M'aiq and Blanche both looked up to see a rather fed up Mattieu Bellamont standing behind them, reading over their shoulders. "My contract clearly states that I get compensation for not being able to fulfill my life's ambition entirely!" he raged, seething with anger. "I demand plot! I demand-…" He then saw that Blanche's frightened face had been replaced by her I Shall Not Kill But I Will Dismember You If I Must one. "Eh… whoops?" he offered feebly, presenting the girl his least-psychotic smile.

Blanche was promptly creeped out. Now she knew she had had the right idea to follow her intuition and refuse the invite to a family dinner with "him and his mother".

"M'aiq thinks now would be a good time for stabby-stab." Her Khajiit companion suggested pleasantly just as he moved to hide behind the Breton.

"Wha- I can't kill him!" Blanche wailed, "I'm not even supposed to be in this story!"

By then, however, Bellamont was quite fed up with her for not listening to his quasi-romantic stalker declarations of love – how he had picnics planned for the two of them and the rotting head of his deceased mother, how he refused to fall in love with Mary since her name was reminiscent of Maria and how they would die together since they couldn't live together – see the future chapters of White and Black by this author for that scene! He whipped out a hidden dagger, slaughtered his two nearest colleagues whose names the author can't be bothered too look up (they had already resigned on the plot and were having a nice cup of tea, so they probably didn't even notice having died) and promptly tried to throw himself at Blanche and M'aiq, the former of which tried to disentangle herself from the flower garlands that now decorated everything.

Fortunately, a shiny axe and a rather angry Orc ended that dilemma.

"Save your quasi-pacifist characterization for when there's not a guy with a dagger coming at us, willya?!" Mazoga grunted, strutting her stuff. Apparently, she had recovered from her trauma. This, of course, meant that Lachance had now ducked behind the unconscious Arquen and a tombstone.

"Thank you."

"Don't mention it. No, really, don't." Mazoga added when Blanche attempted to say something. "I'd be glad if I thought there was the vaguest possibility of this being a dream."

Blanche settled for magicking her armor back to normal, but before she had the chance to tend to her own attire, she jumped in fright as the Night Mother tapped her shoulder and looked at her as if the situation was all her fault.

"Lisette Lemieux, would you care to explain what, precisely, is the purpose of these uninitiated invading my tomb?" the Dunmer specter demanded, rather ominously. Blanche decided it was best not to ask how the ghost knew her full name or why the author bothered to mention it aside from the clear quasi-trailer-thing for her other Oblivion fanfic, but, in light of who she was speaking with, decided to let things go.

"Eh, plot tumors. You see…"

"So _that_ is the new Silencer?" the Night Mother asked, glancing towards the general mayhem as Blanche fumbled for words. "I was expecting someone…"

"Saner?" Mazoga, unafraid of a ghost (as she didn't know who it was) suggested.

"More realistic?" M'aiq quipped helpfully.

"…taller." The Night Mother decided. "Enough of this."

Arquen, now conscious, raised her arm weakly, trying to get attention back to herself. However, holding a fork ruined the dramatic effect somewhat. "Mother of darkness, we beseech you…!"

"Shut up already, will you?" For good measure, the specter kicked the fallen elf. "Yes, you are into the occult. We understand, but the plot you are following is now redundant. With half of my incompetent Black Hand wiped out and the traitor dead, what's left is to refill the posts and then get back to business. I had a really good speech prepared, but, in light of the circumstances, I think it would be wasted on you lot." she huffed, but still managed to remain dignified. "Now, eenie meenie miney moe, who will be the Liste-… are you even listening to me?!"

"—common low-bred mongrel!" Farwil continued even as Lachance moved to stand with the Night Mother this time. Or, more probably, hide behind her. Making damned certain that he stepped on Arquen's back and Bellamont's neck. What was left of it, anyway. "Milady, you simply cannot waste yourself thus! You're the Emperor's daughter, after all!"

"Why aren't you in the Imperial City then?" Mazoga demanded, resting her hands atop her massive axe.

"Alas, I was a secret from the general public, to be protected and cherished through a tragic backstory!" Mary crooned, sighing, tossing her luminescent iridescent and other words ending with scent to make the author seem more skilled in the art of purple prose over her shoulder dramatically. "But my love is no less true, my hair no less shiny!"

The Orc couldn't take it anymore. She rounded up on Blanche, their de facto leader now.

"Do something!" she demanded.

"I—ah… Mazoga---"

"ˇI'm not going up against that rabbit!" Mr. Fuzzems had now relocated to the floor near Mary and Mazoga was damned if she was going to attack something so innocent looking. It had to be the devil in disguise. "Not on your life!"

M'aiq closed his book and shook his head. This was the time for desperate measures. "There isn't anything else we can do. M'aiq thinks this is the time for plan B."

"We have a plan B?!" Blanche and Mazoga yelled together, ready to pummel him.

"Now we do." ´M'aiq proclaimed, rearranging his face in a business-like manner. "Breton Girl must go and become Grouchy Assassin's Love Interest."

"What?!"

"We are dealing with a Martyr Sue; one that exists to be sympathetic and heroic." He continued on, ignoring the fact that his chosen Love Interest Replacement was practically foaming at the mouth and Mazoga was having a hard time restraining her from trying to claw M'aiq's eyes out. fortunately, Blanche seemed to have forgotten her magic. "Therefore if the two of you act sickeningly lovestruck enough, Mary Sue should act accordingly. M'aiq suggested this before, but maybe now Grouchy Assassin will be more sympathetic to the idea. He seems to like Breton Girl well enough."

Blanche went from furious to anxious to panicky within the span of a few seconds. Personally, Mazoga found the sudden color changes of her face entertaining, but not in this setting.

"But I can't- I mean, there is some foundation to that in our relationship but we aren't –"

"Let me rephrase this for you, Khajiit." The Night Mother, thoroughly fed up with things to the point of having steam come out of her ears, offered graciously. Then, she looked at the Breton with a sickeningly sweet smile, sharp as a razor. "Follow the plan or get demoted to an extra, Blanche."

Blanche winced, as if struck, but she knew the Night Mother would do it, if pressed. Nevertheless, she was determined to go down fighting. "I can't do this even if I wanted to! Don't you see?! I'm an OC and if I take steps towards Sue-dom like this, I might morph into one!"

"M'aiq didn't think of that." the Khajiit admitted. "This…"

Unfortunately, he didn't have the chance to finish his thought, as Mazoga marched over to the perverse love triangle going on in front of them and rounded up on Mary herself.

"Hey, rainbow twerp! You can't romance him, cause he's already got a Love Interest!"

"…has the potential to end badly." M'aiq finished, shaking his head sadly.

A silence fell over the room. Even Mary herself was reduced to speechlessness. She looked from Mazoga to Lucien and back, her coral-like mouth hanging open for a few moments, before she began to understand the situation.

"You mean…?" she trailed off, her voice a melodic whisper.

"Yep, exactly." Mazoga said with a broad grin, grabbing an incoherently spluttering Blanche by the arm and pulling her towards Lachance. She did so in this order due to the fact that while the mage didn't protest to manhandling due to her current state of astonishment, the Speaker might. "Right here." she noted, sending the Breton practically flying towards Lachance, who dodged reflexively.

"I knew it! A badly written love interest!" Arquen, who had managed to stand up, screeched out triumphantly a second before shrieking as Blanche crashed into her, sending her toppling into one of the open coffins. At least the spluttering stopped.

"All this time…" Mary breathed, looking as helpless as a kicked puppy. In fact, she appeared to be close to tears. "This is… this is… wicked!"

"_What_?" the whole room echoed.

Mary, queen of the pop culture references, quickly came to the rescue.

"Like, this is totally like Wicked the Musical! You know!" she urged, now grinning, though still appearing baffled in a cutesy-poo fashion. "The one with the two witches from the Wizard of Oz, except they're totally BFFs in it and not all icky like in the original book or whatever. The beautiful and popular one dates this really cool boy and the green one's her friend, but in the end, the green girl gets the guy. I… I totally understand!"

"Huh?" became everyone's new favorite word.

"I mean, I… I… really don't know what to say! I'm kinda hurt by this, my heart of glass shattered to a thousand pieces beyond repair, but… but I'm also glad that my One True Love has found his One True Love and will Love her Truly till the end of time!" Mary rambled, looking forlorn and yet strangely triumphant. She was so tragic! So wonderfully interesting and selfless… she could even give up her True Love for another if it meant his happiness! "How can I bear to stand between them? How can I deny them happiness! Oh, Lulukins… it puts a dagger into my very soul to do this, but…" A diamond tear tickled down her cheek beautifully. "If you really love her, then I won't stand in your way!"

"I, ah," Never look a gift horse in the mouth. This was an opportunity to be rid of her forever and Lachance was ready to take everything he could get. "Yes, I'm afraid so. Such a shame, really. But it cannot be helped."

"And you Love him Truly as well, then?" Mary asked Mazoga, rather surprised by the fact that Lucien seemed to be into fanged girls. With snout noses.

"Ah, uh… OW-yes!" It took a bit of… prodding… from Lachance (make that a very sharp kick) to get her to cooperate. Mazoga rubbed her bruised calf grudgingly. "Ow… right, of course I do. Love him so much I could _kill_ him right now!"

"Oh, woe is me!" Mary swooned.

"Fear not, fair lady Mary!" Fortunately, a replacement was at hand in the form of Farwil.

"Oh Farwil… could it be… could you be the one to heal my heart?" Her eyelashes fluttered like a butterfly on LSD. "We shall have to see once I leave my brief emoteen phase!"

Meanwhile, M'aiq went to help Blanche stand up. The Breton was half-sprawled atop on, half-leaning against one of the coffins in the crypt, her hair totally messed up but now mercifully fake flower-free. It now resembled a bird's nest after a rather long and drawn out rave party. She seemed uninjured and unSuetified otherwise, though.

"How'd I do?" she asked weakly.

"M'aiq considers that one of the better written romantic scenes in this fanfic." The Khajiit commented after a moment of thought, receiving a wry grin in return.

"Alas, I will have to leave the Dark Brotherhood because of this." Mary continued on, apparently over her brief emoteen-dom. "My gentle soul wouldn't be able to bear it… well, you'll all see me in a few centuries or so. At least, some of you will!" she sighed.

Somewhere in Cheydinhal, Vicente Valtieri sneezed, a feeling of ominous dread (huh?) coming over him.

"Now that you've solved your romantic subplots, perhaps you would care to pay more attention to me?" Everyone nodded. "Good. Since it seems all of you have the attention span of a pixie, I've decided to appoint the most capable of you as my Listener." No one was surprised to see that the Night Mother pointed at Mr. Fuzzems, who was chewing on one of the nightshade blossoms lying around, without it poisoning him, apparently. "He's the only one who actually listens to me. Now, as for Speaker positions… hey!"

Unfortunately, everyone had left the crypt before the Night Mother could make her big announcement about the new Speakers, leaving her alone with a still-unconscious Arquen and a bunch of corpses.

Ew.

"I need a drink." Lachance announced once on the ground level once Mary and Farwil gave them their heartfelt goodbyes and scampered into the sunrise to get happily (?) married (???).

"Seconded." Mazoga nodded, rubbing her eyes. This had been a long night. "Make that several drinks. Tonight needs to be forgotten quickly."

"M'aiq should get back to his gam- eh, paperwork. But perhaps a little celebration will not hurt." the Khajiit admitted, looking forward to some free drinks. The two of them went on ahead while Lachance stayed behind a bit to allow Blanche to catch up. The Breton still looked rather like a ragdoll that had been treated appropriately right now, especially since she still hadn't thought of being able to magick her clothes back to normal.

"You okay there?" Lachance asked with rather uncharacteristic concern. Human shield aside, Blanche wasn't an entirely unpleasant OC to be around. In fact, with her, it wasn't certain she'd end up in an unnecessary romantic subplot with him, so that counted for bonus points, as far as he was concerned.

"Yeah, but you owe me several drinks for this." the mage noted, a bit groggily, rearranging her ash-blonde hair around her ears.

"I thought you didn't drink."

"No, but I already feel as if I'm having a nasty hangover, so might as well justify it."

Lachance chuckled heartily at that, probably the first positive humor moment of this whole fanfic. "Just as long as you don't get completely thrashed and go all Sue on me by revealing your deeply-hidden passions for me."

Blanche made a face. Said face was a bit pink, however. "Eurgh, that would be cliché. A last minute hook-up?" She shuddered.

"You know, the fact you're not denying your barely-contained lust for me is making me a little nervous."

"Since you know all about it, why should I?"

A beat.

"Blanche, please tell me you're trying to rattle me on purpose so I can kill you in peace and be done with it."

"What are you ever talking about, my dearest?"

A deeply not-shriek-like groan. "You're doing this on purpose." He hoped. She had to be.

Ahead in the pub, Mazoga scoffed as she drank her first of many bears. "Unresolved sexual tension much?"

"On an infantile and rather platonic level." M'aiq affirmed. "M'aiq said so several chapters ago."

"That doesn't make any sense. Sexual and platonic are opposites." Mazoga pointed out. "You drunk already?"

"_Damnit woman, _tell me you're just trying to repay me for the human shield bit!"

Blanche cackled madly, unwinding for a moment. And then, the moment of pure, unhidden horror from Lachance made it all worthwhile as she did her best Mary impression with a single word.

"Lulu_kins!_"

**o.O.o**

**The End**

**o.O.o**

**Or…**

**Is it???**

**o.O.o**

**Lucien Lachance** continued his successful career as Speaker, relishing the fact that he was granted complete control over the selection of new recruits. This way, he was able to minimize the entry of Mary Sues into the Oblivion fanfiction archive by simply killing and every recruit with a peculiar shade of hair or eyes or anything resembling a DD cup size.

**Blanche **returned to her original place in the fanfic White and Black by the same authoress, glad to be over the craziness. She kept the bridesmaid dress to scare Lucien when it suited her, but usually continued to rely on more foolproof means. To see what became of her, check out that fanfic, as anything would be a spoiler if mentioned here. As for her UST with Lucien… well, you'll just have to read White and Black to see if something ever became of it.

**M**'**aiq **returned to the Anti Sue office and filed another successful case in the Sue Buster files. He became penpals with Blanche and thus is now always on alert whenever she or Lucien suspect a Mary Sue might enter the fandom. Keeps trying to convince her that they should just form an Official Couple to cure the deluded shippers. Blanche rightly keeps saying that it wouldn't change a thing.

**Mazoga **returned to her post as a Knight of the White Stallion in Leyawiin and never again mentioned her affiliation with the Dark Brotherhood to anyone. She prides herself in being an Anti Sue and regularly comes to Sue Buster gatherings to help people see what a balanced and believable character looks like. Is now a closeted fan of Wicked.

**Arquen **ended up being forgotten by the others and woke up only when the crypt had been sealed off. **The Night Mother **managed to send her back once she recovered from her shock, but by then, Arquen had been tasked with clean-up duty and got forced into eating the corpses. Due to a teleportation mishap, she ended up at the shrine of Sheogorath, the disciples of whom readily accept her among them.

**Mr. Fuzzems** became the Listener of the Dark Brotherhood for a brief period of time, but ended up demoted to Silencer due to the fact that he was unable to communicate what he had Heard to the others. Now a permanent resident of the Cheydinhal Sanctuary, he is their protection against the prophesized Return of Mary and in a constant battle with Schemer the rat over who should be the official mascot.

**Mary and Farwil **ended up married in this fanfic and became a nuisance in Cheydinhal once again, before the local clergy managed to persuade them to enter the portal to the Shivering Isles. There, their adventures continued and Mary had many new love interests…

…but that is a fanfic for another time.


End file.
